The Mercury News

Sis wonders how to fix sibling

- Ask Amy Amy Dickinson Contact Amy Dickinson via email, askamy@ amydickins­on.com.

DEAR AMY >> My younger sister is 54.

She has been divorced three times and has a teenage daughter.

Both of our parents are deceased. My sister currently has a nice boyfriend she has lived with for a few years.

The issue is that she cannot seem to keep a job for longer than a year. She has been terminated from at least six jobs (that I can count) in the last 10 years.

Although she blames others for these terminatio­ns, it is obvious that she is the problem. I want to discuss this with her without her getting defensive.

I am recently comfortabl­y retired and always feel somewhat guilty about her financial problems. I've had people tell me not to worry about her, because she always lands on her feet.

One therapist told me: “Not my monkey, not my circus,” which helped for a few years — but every time she loses another job my heart sinks.

Any suggestion­s on how to help her realize that she is the common denominato­r when it comes to losing these good jobs and to figure out what she is doing wrong?

— Worried Sister

DEAR WORRIED >>

My inexpert observatio­n is that often within a family system, the people who might benefit the most from therapy are the least likely to seek it, while those around them seek profession­al help for how to manage the challenges of the troubled relationsh­ip.

I would not use the terminolog­y your therapist used, but I do agree with the thinking behind it.

It is natural for you to want to take care of your younger sister. You probably absorbed this very basic lesson in childhood. This is both the joy and the burden of your birth order.

However, your sister is not asking to be taken care of. She is not asking to be “fixed.” She likely believes that if the rest of the world would only line up and play fair with her, then she would receive the credit and stability she believes she deserves.

However, if she currently enjoys a stable and positive home life, then she is a success along the most important metric by which human beings can be measured. Her partner is a nice guy who presumably loves her, her daughter is growing, and she has a caring older sister who is in her life. She is likely crafty and resourcefu­l in that she lands on her feet after every failure. All good!

If your sister ever asks you for your perspectiv­e, you should offer it.

Until that day, you should relax into your big sister role and accept your flawed but scrappy younger sister, just as she is.

DEAR AMY >> “Snacked” wrote to you about her husband's refusal to offer their grandchild healthy snacks. I loved this line: “Kids can happily eat broccoli trees dipped in yogurt — until Mr. Oreo comes to town.”

But don't you think parents take this “healthy snacking” thing too far?

— Wondering

DEAR WONDERING >> Anything can be taken too far. But overall, I think this “healthy snacking” trend is an extremely positive step.

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