`Friendship' has ominous side

DEAR AMY >> “Mary” and I were acquaintances in college.

We didn't talk for years after graduating but would see each other sometimes at bars and say hello.

In 2020, she decided that she wanted to develop a friendship with me.

I quickly realized how unstable she is. She goes through cycles of sleeping with new people, posting them all over social media, the relationship ends, then she starts up with someone new.

She has also behaved unethically in her profession.

Almost every weekend now, Mary asks me to go out drinking.

I never message her first. I've been making up excuses because I don't feel comfortable telling her that I find her actions problematic.

In between texts asking to hang out, she would tell me how good of a friend I am and how much she cares about me.

Amy, I would see this person once every few months.

Last weekend, I finally left her text as having been “read” but I haven't answered. Just now, I just got a text from her telling me she misses me.

I'm scared to tell her that I don't want to be her friend.

I don't know how she'd react, and there's a good chance I would see her around my small city.

Should I continue not to respond to her and hope she finally gets the hint?

— No Chaos

DEAR NO CHAOS >> If you are genuinely afraid of “Mary's” reaction to any statement from you, then yes — I'd suggest a continued light ghosting. She will text you, you will read her texts, but you won't respond unless you feel the need to answer a question. (For instance, if she asks you to meet her at a bar at a certain time, you should respond: “Sorry — I can't make it. Hope you have a good time.”)

If things come to a head and you feel boxed into a corner, then keep your statement simple: “I don't party like I used to, but I'm sure I'll see you around town at some point. Take good care of yourself.”

DEAR AMY >> May I weigh in on the question from “Bay Area Stepmom Cook,” the woman who refused to leave onions out of food, even though her son-in-law had an aversion to onions?

I am a retired professional chef.

Cooking is the art of making food delicious to other people. A true artist (and mature human being) rises to meet challenges with zest.

Many people have potentially lethal allergies, religious taboos, health concerns or simple aversions and preferences that should be respected.

The artist in the kitchen — and the generous host — will encounter ingredient changes with the joy of triumphing via creativity.

— Mary Birnbaum, Boston

DEAR MARY >> This question continues to receive a robust (zestful?) response.

This speaks to the importance all of us attach not only to food and nutrition, but to notions of hospitality and generosity.

Thank you so much for your wise response.