Forgiveness goes in shredder

DEAR AMY >> This year, several people from my past have contacted me to ask for forgiveness. I am writing because I believe my decision will offer a different perspective to your readers.

The first letter was from two dormmates writing jointly to apologize for their rude, hurtful behavior. I went to these two women for emotional support, believing them to be friends, only to be bluntly told that neither of them liked me and that they only associated with me because they assumed I would help them with their papers or research projects. This was especially painful, as it happened shortly after I was diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I changed dorms at the end of the academic year and never spoke to either of them again. It has been almost 40 years.

The second letter was a friend from my other college. She contacted me in 2008 and we started phoning and emailing. “Call me anytime to talk,” she said. One night I did and she exploded, screaming that I had interrupted her nightly wine and crafting time and yelling that we had nothing in common because I am not married, a homeowner, or a crafter and to leave her alone forever.

I immediately ended the call, deleted her phone number and blocked her email. This happened in 2015.

I read both of these letters carefully and decided my sole response would be to shred the letters.

These three women are just bad memories and why they sought, need, or want my forgiveness after so many years is a mystery to me.

I also do not want any further contact with them.

To err is indeed human, to forgive may be divine, but forgiveness is also optional. — Past Completed

DEAR COMPLETED >> I appreciate your take on this.

I believe that the experience and isolation of the pandemic — as well as the simple march of time — has caused a lot of people to reflect on their choices.

You don't say how these women expressed themselves, but these entreaties seem more like demands. (I also think it's possible that Ms. Wine and Crafting is working one of the 12-steps.)

In my experience, the fullest form of forgiveness is arrived at privately and not as the response to a request or a demand.

I completely understand your reaction here, but I do think you owe these people your gratitude: their out-ofthe-blue bids for forgiveness have given you closure, as well as the final word.