Gift-giving creates a problem

DEAR AMY >> I was raised in a religion that did not celebrate birthdays and most holidays.

In my early 20s I left that religion and do not practice any religion now.

As a kid I did wish I could celebrate Halloween and Christmas, but my family made up for it in other ways. We went on vacations and had plenty of toys and gifts.

My issue now is with the excessiveness I find in holidays and birthdays. When I celebrate these with family, I watch the kids tear through gift after gift, not even looking at each one.

I have 14 nieces and nephews, so it gets very expensive.

Besides Christmas, there is a never-ending cycle of holidays to buy for. It's exhausting.

It seems like such a waste of money to give people things they don't even end up liking.

If I had kids of my own, would I feel the same way? I know that part of the issue is that I don't have childhood memories that make these occasions special.

I can't stop buying gifts because I'll seem like a Scrooge, but seriously, our culture is beyond materialistic! Plus, I feel like I never have money for myself after buying for everyone else.

My husband grew up in a family that took part in all of this, so not participating is not an option.

I enjoy celebrating weddings, graduations, baby showers, anniversaries — events that are true milestones.

How can I put all of this in a perspective that does not make me so resentful?

— Spent Aunt

DEAR SPENT >> The events you seem to value as important milestones are all events that adults enjoy celebrating.

The events that you don't consider worthy on the same level are those that children generally enjoy — also those that your family didn't celebrate.

I suggest that birthdays are actually milestone events that are very important to children, not necessarily because of the gifts, but because of the recognition.

A birthday is quite literally the celebration of a person's existence.

Given your background, your ambivalence toward gift-giving is completely understandable, and I agree with you that gift-giving and receiving is out of control in many families. So — don't do it! You could try to be the fun auntie who takes all the kids ice skating the day after Christmas.

You could send nieces and nephews a birthday card in the mail with a “coupon” to take a hike or bike ride with you.

Furthermore, if your husband is into gifts and gift-giving and you're not — let him handle it!

This is part of his family's culture, and if he wants to keep it going, he'll have to find a way to deal with it.