Too much fallout from friend's affair

DEAR HARRIETTE >>

One of my oldest friends is going through a messy separation with his wife.

My friend was caught having an affair, which resulted in his wife kicking him out of the house. He asked me if he would be able to stay with me and my wife for a few weeks. I wanted to let him stay with us so badly, but my wife was opposed to the idea. I hated to leave my friend when he needed me, but I could not force my wife to get involved in something so messy when she is good friends with his wife as well.

I'm worried that our friendship will never be the same. Did I betray my friend by not helping him out?

— Out of My Control

DEAR OUT OF MY CONTROL >> Your friend's behavior is having negative repercussions throughout his life. Please know that this is not your fault. He is the one who cheated. He is the one who is now suffering due to his unethical behavior. Of course you wanted to throw him a lifeline. And it turned out to be too complicated for you to comply.

Something that people don't think about marriage is that it touches many more people than the two people who are married. Extended family members and friends become interconnected. When the unit breaks, that break reverberates through all of the connected people.

Tell your friend how sorry you are that you cannot rescue him. Tell him you love him and will do what you can to support him. But stand by your wife. He has to sort through his own business.

DEAR HARRIETTE >> I have a friend who has borrowed money from me over the years. Because I have significantly more money than she has, I have never asked her to pay me back. I have told her to consider it a gift.

Recently, I have noticed that she is living pretty high on the hog. She bought a nice car and has been wearing dressier clothes. Her life seems to be moving in a positive direction. I can't help but feel that she is probably spending more than she can afford.

If she comes back to me for help, I don't know how I will feel about helping her if she is not spending her money well. Am I getting too deeply involved in her business?

— Drawing the Line

DEAR DRAWING THE LINE >> You have been very generous with this friend over the years because you wanted to do so. Don't forget that it was your choice. Rather than looking at her and wondering how she spends her money, be happy for her that she may be enjoying some creature comforts of life. If she asks you for help in the future, decide based upon how generous you want to be in the moment, rather than evaluating her spending patterns. Generosity works best when it comes with no strings attached.

This woman still has less than you have, based on your description of her. If she asks or if you just choose to give her a gift, go ahead. Resist the urge to scold her about her choices.