Tasteless jokes not necessary
DEAR AMY >> My little sister died almost two years ago by suicide after years of struggling with PTSD from sexual assaults that happened when she was a teenager.
I started a new job three months ago.
I love all of my coworkers. We are prosecutors and victim advocates. This is difficult and draining work.
For my colleagues, this pressure manifests in selfdeprecating statements about mental health, like: “I don't think I'm going to make it to tomorrow,” “Hopefully no one finds me dead in the morning,” and after something annoying happens in court: “I guess I'll just go kill myself.”
I've been forced to hide my discomfort with their jokes for the last months, resulting in many a quick run to the bathroom to express my emotions.
This seems to bond them, giving validation that the job is hard. I feel awkward for not participating.
I've been silently waiting for jokes to be over, but honestly this happens almost every day.
With the holidays approaching, my sister's loss has been more difficult for me. I want to speak up but I'm unsure how.
Is it better to interrupt one joke when everyone is at the lunch table and accept it is going to be awkward?
Or should I say that I'm struggling with the holidays approaching and it would help if those jokes weren't said in front of me?
Or is there another option?
— Unsure
DEAR UNSURE >> I'm genuinely sorry for your loss.
I don't claim to be the arbiter on humor, and yet making comments or jokes about violence or self-harm such as “I guess I'll just go kill myself” are tasteless and inappropriate regardless of the context.
Yes, because of your situation, you are sensitized to comments like this, but it's safe to assume that others in earshot (clients, victims, fellow staffers) are also sensitive to this sort of comment.
You are in the trenches together, serving in very stressful situations. There are many other ways to bond and to blow off steam.
I'm going to assume that because you're relatively new at your job, your coworkers don't know about your sister's death.
You should react to a comment like this in the moment and in front of others: “I know you don't mean it, but those of us who have lost family members to suicide have learned not to joke about it.” And then — let it lie. You will immediately get through to one or two people. Others will be inspired to think about it.