A boss isn't going to love you more because of gifts

Q I work for a small company that's entirely made up of women in our 20s and 30s, aside from our founder and CEO, who is a man in his late 40s. Every year, the directors of our team solicit contributions to buy a birthday gift and a Christmas gift for our CEO. The contributions they suggest for each gift are small ($10 per person), they're technically optional, and the directors make up the rest from their own pockets.

But something about this still rubs me the wrong way. The messaging around these gifts is always that we're thanking him for everything he does for us, but honestly he's a somewhat removed leader. We don't buy collective gifts for anyone else. He likely makes quite a bit more money than the rest of us. Am I overthinking this? If not, should I speak up about it to my boss, or should I just let it go since the contributions are supposedly optional and it's just $20 a year? I'm not sure if my peers at the company feel the same way, and I've been too afraid to bring it up lest I'm perceived as ungenerous. — Anonymous

A I love gift giving. As cheesy as it sounds, gift giving is my love language. But I never want to feel obligated to give gifts, particularly to people I don't have some kind of personal relationship with.

To that end, is not ungenerous to not want to give the CEO of your company a gift. The power imbalance between you and your CEO is significant. The income differential is also significant. He is not your friend. He will not love you because you and your co-workers give him gifts twice a year.

This may well be one of those things you just have to tolerate, but it sure is ridiculous that people have to play these kinds of games in the workplace.

Inappropriate

Q Recently, my department at a small advertising agency underwent restructuring, and I was laid off. I had been working at this company for six years and was given three weeks of severance pay.

During that severance period, I twice received text messages from my former manager with workrelated questions on projects I had been managing. I hesitated to respond but decided to do so to preserve the relationship and a potential reference in the future. I got the feeling my former manager felt this was appropriate because I was still being paid by the company. Did I have any responsibility to respond to their questions?

— Anonymous, New York

A You don't owe an employer anything when they lay you off. If the situation were reversed and you needed help from a company after the relationship ended, the company would likely not provide it. Your three weeks of severance pay wasn't so you would be available to the company for three more weeks. It was inappropriate for your former manager to contact you. You were not under any obligation to respond to questions and could have ignored the texts and kept it moving, in good conscience.

That said, I understand your inclination to avoid burning bridges. Our professional worlds tend to be rather small, and because you wanted a recommendation from your former manager, it was prudent to answer a few transition queries, within reason.

It shouldn't be this way, though — being expected to tolerate exploitation in a professional relationship where a former employer holds power over future employment.

Pricey provisions

Q I am a director of a clinical lab at a large hospital. The lab supervisor, who makes much less than I do, has taken to buying expensive refreshments for the staff at monthly lab meetings. The department does not reimburse him. I feel terrible that he is spending his own money like this. Is it my responsibility to pay for these? Do I demand that department slush funds be used, which is unlikely, since this is one of many labs? What is my obligation here? Should I start a rotating schedule or just butt out?

— Anonymous, Boston

A Given that the lab supervisor has done this of his own volition, I don't know that there is anything you need to do. I also think it is great when organizations provide reimbursement for this sort of thing — which they should always, always do. Surely there is some money somewhere to pay for refreshments once a month.

I also like the idea of a rotating schedule, but that forces people who may not want to provide refreshments to do so. Figure out how much money you can find for this, meet with the lab supervisor and let him know what his monthly budget is, thank him for his kindness, and encourage him to stop using his own funds because this modest expense is one the lab can cover.