Crafting self into a corner

DEAR AMY >> My son's ex-wife, “Tammy,” recently had a baby with her new husband.

Tammy also has two children with my son.

I recently made slippers for my grandsons and sent the slippers to them.

I told my son about it and now he's asking me to make a pair of slippers for the new baby. I don't think I need to, as that baby is not my grandchild.

After all, the ex-wife is the one who left the marriage when she cheated on my son with her new husband.

— Curious Granny

DEAR GRANNY >> Hmmm. Let's see. Is there a nice way to say, “This baby means nothing to me and so I'm not interested in doing anything for the child?”

I've called an imaginary conclave among all of the sages whose wisdom I trust the most and all agree that your position and attitude about this baby is exclusionary and unkind.

This child is the sibling of your grandchildren. Your grandchildren must be encouraged and allowed to accept and love this child. Why? Because it is best for everyone.

Your son is obviously encouraging/forcing you to accept this baby as the sibling of your beloved grandchildren. Good for him. Acceptance on your part makes your son's life easier and more peaceful. It helps to integrate all of the children into a sibling group.

If you want to give gifts only to your grandchildren, you should send these gifts to your son's address, not to his ex-wife's address.

Furthermore, you holding on to an angry attitude toward your son's ex-wife leads to you passively punishing your grandchildren, who are her children. Let your son carry his own water. You should work much harder to maintain a neutral attitude toward her and a loving attitude toward all of the children involved.

DEAR AMY >> “Confused Father” wrote to you because his current wife wants her stepchildren to call her “Mom.”

Thank you for pointing out that they currently have a mother who presumably they are attached to. My bonus kids lost their mom unexpectedly two years ago.

While I know that I will never and should never hold that same place in their hearts, I am grateful to be a shoulder to lean on when they feel the need for a stepmom's advice or support.

— Proud Stepmother

DEAR PROUD >> There are many ways to be a great mom, without being called “Mom.”