Wedding cast of characters reflects turbulent history
DEARABBY>> My son, “Chad,” is beingmarried in June to “Jenny,” a girl his sister “Madison” introduced him to. Madison feels she should be a bridesmaid in their wedding because she introduced them. Madison had sex with Jenny’s boyfriend “Axel” before she met Chad, got pregnant and had Axel’s baby.
Jenny feels Madison screwed up her life and, even though she’s about tomarry my son, she doesn’t want to rewardMadison by asking her to be in the wedding. My daughter says if she’s not in the wedding she won’t attend, and won’t allow her son (by Axel) to be the ring bearer, either.
I feel Chad andhis fiancee should be able to have their wedding the way they want. I do not want tomiss my only son’s wedding becausemy daughter feels slighted. What should I do and say? DEARCOMPLICATED>> While it’s unfortunate that Jenny can’t let bygones be bygones in the interest of future family harmony, you must not allow your daughter to dictate the plans for her brother’s wedding. When the big day arrives, you should definitely attend and celebrate with Chad and Jenny. If Mad is on chooses not to attend as a guest, that’s her decision, and you should not allow her tomake it your problem.
DEARABBY>> Mymothermarried aman, “George,” a fewyears ago. Theymet online, and hemakes her happier than I’ve ever seen her. Our entire family adores George and is supportive of their marriage.
My husband and I had our first child, “Ella,” this year. This hasmadeMom’s dreams of becoming a grandma come true.
When I see George hold, play with, or just be in the same room withmy daughter, I can’t help but keep a really close eye on howhe actswithher. He hasn’t said or done anything forme not to trust him, but it makesme really uneasy, and I want to restrict his interaction with her.
It is my responsibility to protectmy baby girl, and I’mextra-cautious because I was molested as a young girl. I can’t discuss this withMombecause she doesn’t know about what happened tome, and I know this would cause a huge fight between us.
How can I limit George’s contact with Ella while still giving Momthe time she wants with her? Is this intuition or paranoia? DEARCAUTIOUS>> Why does your mothernot knowwhat happened to you as a child? Did you stay silent because you were afraid you wouldn’t be believed? Because you wanted to protect her? Because your abuser was your father? You should have told her. It was her job to protectYOU.
I think the time has come for you to let her know what happened and how it has affected you. While I can appreciate your reason for not trusting men, not all men are molesters. If you would feel better keeping a close eye on your daughter’s interactions withmales until she’s old enough to know what kind of touches are appropriate and which ones are not, that’s your privilege. And if it leads to an argument with yourmother, you will just have to stand by your decision.