Mom feels guilt for resisting her ex’s pleas to reconcile
DEAR ABBY » My ex is a recovering drug addict. We have a 2-year-old son together. I realized he was using drugs when I was seven months pregnant and all our money was gone. I stayed with him for a year after I learned about his addiction. That year was the hardest year of my life. Choosing to leave was extremely painful, and I still cry about it every day. My ex was never the type of addict who nodded off, cheated or had other issues; if it hadn’t been for the money disappearing, we would have had a perfect relationship. He finally went to rehab and seems to be doing well. He still goes to work at a great job, pays child support now and is involved with our son, who adores him. He wants us to get back together.
It has been more than a year since we separated — and I hate to admit this, but I’m the happiest I have ever been. Abby, I feel guilty about it. Even though I love him, he broke me as a person with his lies, and I don’t think I can ever trust him. I love my life with my son, and the thought of us living as a family in one house again makes me sick. I feel ashamed for not wanting to try, and these feelings are crippling.
I told him I want him to move on, but he says he will always love me and will never give up. Do I owe it to him — and our child — to try and work it out? DEAR HAPPIER » No, you do not. You are in charge of your life now, and if that gives you peace of mind and makes you happy, then you are under no moral or ethical obligation to change it.
Please remember that you are not responsible for your ex’s happiness. You may always love each other, but that doesn’t obligate you. If he wants to “never give up,” that is his choice. If you want to move on with your life, that is your choice and your privilege.
DEAR ABBY » Can you settle a dispute between my husband and me? Sometimes, I take it upon myself to hand-wash my car because I enjoy seeing my hard work reflected in my shiny car. When I do, it sparks an argument.
His view is that since he’s the man, he should be responsible for washing the car. He says there are certain things “women just don’t do.” I think I’m perfectly capable of washing my car. Should I give up and let him take care of washing my car, or should I stand my ground?