Reasons to praise and curse 2017

At the end of the year, I am legally obligated to do one of those “the Best of the Worst of” columns. It’s written in the Freelance Columnists Code of Conduct, and if you fail to come up with a pithy, humorous, soulful and useful epitaph to the fading year, you have committed columnist malpractice.

Actually, I find it to be a sign of laziness, as annoying as those ubiquitous Christmas letters from friends who have nothing better to do than lie about their own lives to make you feel bad about your own. But I digress. Since I am obligated, I will give you two lists. The first will be of the things that, in increasing level of repugnance, annoyed me. The second will be the things that made me glad I was still upright.

10 reasons to curse 2017

1. People began to start every sentence with the word “so.”

2. People turned the word “concerning” into an adjective, as in “the fact that Donald Trump plays so much golf is really concerning to me.”

3. Pregnant baby mamas felt that showing their ripe-andbursting bellies on Instagram (that means you, Beyonce) was revolutionary and important (Demi Moore might have something to say about that).

4. Football players decided that, in order to distract attention from the fact that they were unable to catch passes (or that they were beating their wives and girlfriends) it would be auspicious to take a knee during the National Anthem.

5. African-American women decided that since Prince Harry’s fiancée Meghan Markle was half black, that they had finally gotten their own “princess.” Newsflash: Papa Markle was Irish. They must be related to the same people who thought that Barack Obama was our nation’s first black president. News flash: Mama Obama was white, too.

6. The kind of people who put “Hate Has No Home Here” signs on their front lawn are among the first to accuse Melania Trump of ruining Christmas, the first to ridicule Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ admittedly unorthodox wardrobe, the first to bully Barron Trump online and the first to take their kids out of school because Ivanka Trump paid a visit.

7. Women started saying #Metoo about abusive and brutish men who cut in front of them in the grocery store checkout line.

8. People continued to conflate illegal immigration with terrorism (ha, surprised you lefties, didn’t I?).

9. The usual brainless Neanderthals continued to hide behind their screen names and made ridiculous comments online when they should have been cleaning up their mothers’ basements and

10. Tom Wolf decided that loudmouth women (who vote) are more worthy of respect than innocent babies (who don’t).

10 reasons it wasn’t bad

1. Nick Miccarelli, possibly the most decent and accomplished politician from any party, is still representing Delco in Harrisburg.

2. Craig Williams, a man who honors Delaware County with his residence and service, is running to be the next district attorney.

3. Carson Wentz is not going back to North Dakota, which means I might see a Super Bowl before I’m on life support (but clearly not this year).

4. The nuns who Josh Shapiro wants to force to pay for birth control for their sexually active employees are fighting back (go sisters, beat Josh!).

5. The corrupt district attorney who fought to put Msgr. William Lynn in jail is now wearing orange.

6. Megyn Kelly, the most annoying blonde since Charo, is failing miserably as a nice “Stepford Broadcaster.”

7. Omarosa, Roy Moore and so-called pro life Congressman Tim “Hey honey, get an abortion so they don’t realize we’re having an affair” Murphy are all gone.

8. Kathy Griffin will be spending New Year’s Eve cutting off heads of lettuce in solitude.

9. Nikki Haley is a few cycles away from becoming the first female president.

10. Neil Gorsuch is going to make the country safe for unborn babies again.

You might disagree with my lists, and I am sure you will let me know, either via email or in the comments section below. Just make sure to clean up mama’s basement after logging off.