Disney film classic counts the ways we’re going to the dogs

Last Sunday I was watching “Lady and the Tramp,” and had an epiphany during my favorite scene, the one involving two pups, a moonlight night and a plate of “Shpagett.” As the female dog started munching on a long thread of pasta, the male dog started doing the same thing from the other end, and when they met in the middle it turned into a sweet facsimile of a kiss. Normally, I’d be smiling. But things have changed.

In the post #Metoo era, any romantic or sexual contact that does not involve complete consent on the part of the “Lady” would morph into a canine version of “The Accused.” And it made me very sad that in the middle of a cherished Disney memory, I would immediately think about the tragic consequences of an inadvertent pooch smooch.

You might be tempted to say, “That’s idiotic, Christine, you are exaggerating to make your point.” Alas, this lady doth not protest enough.

Just this week, beloved Philly Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt made an on air joke on NBC Sports Philadelphia about having a dishwasher at home called “my wife.” I thought it was eyerolling level corny, but aging white men are not the hippest folks in the world.

But then it turned into something entirely unexpected: A morality tale, complete with public flogging in the social media stocks. Schmitty was slammed by the sort of people who take offense when you mispronounce their names, and was sent to Chauvinist Re-Education Camp or what I like to call “The Gulag Harvey Weinstein.” When he came out after only a few hours, he started apologizing for having offended women and said things like, “I made a mistake while attempting to be humorous … it was not my intention to offend anyone. My daughter passionately marches in support of the Me Too movement in Boston, and I support her in every way. I offer my sincerest apologies.” And then he repeated “sincerest apologies” seven more times, thereby causing the NBC handlers to replace his batteries.

But offending women in this very scary, very Orwellian age is just the most recent manifestation of our fabricated outrage. “Lady and the Tramp” serves up some other examples.

At the restaurant, the two canine lovebirds are being served by a fellow named Tony.

Tony, of course, is Italian, and we know this because he wears an apron and has a big fluffy black moustache (which also describes my grandmother Philomena, God rest her soul). The thing that really clues us in to Tony’s heritage is the way he talks. Or rather, the “way he talk-a, caus-a he no talk-a too good-a Een-ga-leesha.” It is an ethnic stereotype for the ages, and it would never have occurred to me to take offense. In fact, when I was little, many of the people I hung around sounded like that, and I loved them. So of course, I loved Tony. Today, we’d be calling the anti-defamation league.

And we can’t forget our Latino friends, ably represented by a chihuaha who had a heavy accent and about 84 names, at least 50 of which were “Maria.”

Yes, I’m exaggerating, but the way this puppy talked made the Frito Bandito look like a graduate of the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. I cannot imagine anything close to that taking place in a 2018 cartoon without someone complaining about the anti-immigrant bigotry of the piece.

I’m so tired of having to worry about every word that I utter. Taking offense has become a national pastime, and the worst part is that it demeans true victims of bigotry.

On the other hand, Tramp was actually a guy, so maybe Walt was more progressive than I thought. #Mickeytoo.