When two become one
You may be reaching the latter years of your life if you’ve begun attending more funerals than weddings. When I was younger, “when two become one” made me think of wedding vows and the promise of a long life ahead. Now that I’m older, two becoming one holds a new meaning marked by the passing of a spouse. Sadly, 2019 has been a year of loss. I’ve seen several clients lose their spouse this year. Some of them had been planning for their retirement with me for upwards of 20 years. We had spent many hours goal planning and dreaming together about what their retirement could look like. But unexpected illnesses caused a different end to each of their stories.
I’ve been helping clients for a long time and the conversations with surviving spouses never get easier. All of them have different experiences, but they all have the same question. Now what?
In this way, sometimes I’ve felt as much a counselor as a financial advisor. While there is usually a great deal of financial needs to be discussed, clients often want to talk about their human needs with me first. In that way, I’ve done a lot of listening.
If you’ve recently lost a spouse, or know someone who has, here are my top 4 tips that I share with recently widowed clients.
No. 1: Do not make any major
In my experience, losing a spouse can impede people’s ability to make sound decisions. Therefore, I almost always recommend that the surviving spouse wait before selling real estate, making significant changes, including large withdraws from their portfolio.
financial decisions in the first year. In my experience, losing a spouse can impede people’s ability to make sound decisions. Therefore, I almost always recommend that the surviving spouse wait before selling real estate, making significant changes, including large withdraws from their portfolio.
A financial plan a couple may have spent decades building can be drastically thrown off course with one phone call. Sometimes, I’ve seen surviving spouses act without long term consideration for their own future. This becomes particularly true when the spouse who was more involved in creating the plan passes away. Partners who are “out of the loop,” or simply not on the same page as their spouse, will have an even more difficult time in the aftermath of losing their spouse. This happened to one of my clients recently — she liquidated everything after her husband died without any consideration of the penalties associated with doing so.
No. 2: Give yourself permission to create new goals. Once you are able to do so, give yourself permission to create new goals for your retirement. I find that people struggle with guilt or have trouble dreaming new dreams once their spouse is gone. This is completely understandable. And at the right time, making peace with the opportunity to find new enjoyments is healthy and important. Likely, your spouse would have wanted that for you. Don’t feel as though you can not continue to live and do things you enjoy.
No 3: Find community with others. Loneliness is one of the greatest threats to your retirement. We were created to be in community with others. As our lives change, our community likely does too, but we should never stop searching for community. This is an area a great number of people struggle with in retirement, and it’s worth fighting through it. There is a great deal of research to support that loneliness can wreak havoc on retirement. Senior centers, churches, volunteer programs, other local family members, etc. are all wonderful places to find a connected community. There is joy and purpose to be found when you find your place. And chances are pretty good that the people there need you back.
No. 4: Prioritize your own healthcare needs. Now that your spouse is gone, you’ll need to plan for the reality that you have one less person to help your healthcare needs. In addition to taking care of yourself, you really should have a plan in place should you find you need help. After all, what if you have a minor injury or fall at home and no one is around? What if you have a short- or long-term illness with no one there to help care for you? It’s challenging to think through these scenarios, but you should do so before you find yourself in a difficult situation.
If you’ve lost a spouse recently, I’d like to offer you my deepest condolences. While I haven’t personally experienced this myself, I’ve talked with many people over the years that have. The pain in their eyes has a way of making a permanent imprint on the heart. Tom Kalejta is an author of “Building Wealth, Protecting Dreams” and a financial advisor. He is intrigued by how Baby Boomers are changing retirement trends and lifestyles in the 21st century. He believes in inspiring his readers by talking less about money and more about reinvented possibilities — particularly when things don’t go as planned. He can be reached by emailing thomasakalejta@gmail.com.