Perfect guy on the outside becomes abusive at home
DEARABBY » I have been with “Dylan” for three years, engaged for two. I have a lot of insecurities about it.
Wemet right after my husband’s death. Dylan was the perfect guy in the beginning. Looking back, I realize there were a lot of red flags.
He spends most of his time on Facebook or talking about his high school years. He is also secretive. He acts like the world’s nicest guy around others, but when we’re alone, he calls me stupid and insecure. I never knew what a narcissist was before, but I believe he is one.
I built a business, which has done very well. I’m liked by everyone but him. People have told me to run. Why do I torturemyself? Last week he broke my windshield because I asked himabout his phone, which he is always using to text someone. I want to be happy, and I feel like a loser right now. My kids don’t like him at all. Help me, please.
— Unhappy in the Midwest
DEARUNHAPPY » I am concerned about you. Because you now feel that your verbally abusive fiance could become violent (Exhibit A: your broken windshield), place a call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) and ask someone to help you craft an escape plan. Your next call should be to the police to file a report about that broken windshield. Your third should be to your family to find out if you and your kids can staywith one of your relatives.
It is important you get safely out of there, so do NOT disclose to this man any of the preparations you are making. It goeswithout saying that this engagement should be broken.
DEARABBY » I have an issue that I can’t be the only one with, especially as our parents age. My mother has never been the cleanest or most sanitary of housekeepers. Everything “looks” neat and straight, but look closer and you’ll realize her place is unsanitary and filthy.
When I visit, I am near tears the entire time. My husband tells me to stay in a hotel, but I don’t know how to tell my mother I don’t feel comfortable staying with her. I bring along my own towels and washcloths. I take us out for meals sowe don’t have to use her dishes.
I’m not a clean freak, and this is not my imagination. A friend of hers contacted me to tell me she was concerned about Mom because she doesn’t seem to notice how dirty her house is or that her food is spoiled. I’m embarrassed for her.
I’ve tried to talk to my mother about this many times in the past, but she just doesn’t get it. I have had her carpets shampooed and brought in professionals to do deep cleaning. How can I tell her I can’t stay with her any longer?
DEARDAUGHTER » Tell your mother that you love her, and you have been concerned for years about her living conditions, which is why you hired professional cleaners periodically to help her. Delivering the message that you will be staying in a hotel when you visit is the least of your problems. Clearly, she needs more help than you can give her.
I, too, am concerned about the fact she doesn’t know the food in her refrigerator has spoiled, and for that reason, I’m suggesting you discuss this with a social worker in the town where yourmother resides. She may need someone to check on her regularly, ensure that her kitchen and fridge are kept clean and grocery shop for her. Believeme, you and your mother both have my sympathy.