THE 27TH VICTIM

Victims’ families struggle with feelings about Nancy Lanza

NEWTOWN — The loss of 26 souls in the Sandy Hook massacre stunned the nation with its barbaric senselessness.

Support for the victims’ families flooded the town, while the families themselves sought solace in their common grief and in the cherished memories of their loved ones.

But one victim was left out of that healing process, because she was the mother of the Sandy Hook shooter.

She was the one who introduced her son to firearms. She was the one who failed to get him treatment during his spiraling mental health crisis.

As a result, Nancy Lanza is not remembered as the single mother of a son with special needs. She is not remembered for suffering domestic violence at his hands. Her name is not mentioned along with those of the innocents 20-year-old Adam Lanza murdered at the school five years ago Thursday, even though she was his first victim.

But today, as the fifth anniversary approaches of that hallowed mid-December morning, and families continue their search for healing, attitudes about Nancy Lanza might be starting to change.

Several parents who lost children in the massacre are speaking openly about mercy for Nancy Lanza, and sharing their experience of finding wholeness by practicing forgiveness.

“People think forgiveness is a gift you give to the perpetrator, but in reality it is a gift that you give to yourself,” said Scarlett Lewis, whose 6-year-old son, Jessie, was killed at Sandy Hook. “Newtown still has a lot of healing to do, so there are a lot of courageous conversations we have to have about Nancy and Adam Lanza.” Robbie Parker agrees. “You have so much pain in your heart that it needs to receive something big to help start that healing process,” said Parker, whose 6-year-old daughter, Emilie, was slain on Dec. 14. “I wouldn’t have been able to get through the healing process without forgiveness. If it wasn’t for forgiveness, there would be no healing.”

At the same time, friends of Nancy Lanza are remembering her as a gentle and nonjudgmental woman who should not be the scapegoat for the worst crime in Connecticut history.

“We should certainly take lessons from this, if there are better gun safety practices or more proactive mental health treatments, but to blame somebody in hindsight and demonize them, there is no justice in that,” said John Bergquist of Newtown. “You can still say, ‘There are things we can do differently next time,’ but she is entitled to be a victim, and she is entitled to her humanity.”

Privately, other families who lost loved ones at Sandy Hook said that forgiving Nancy Lanza is not a priority, given the emotions they have to manage at this time of year.

Parents who have managed to do so say they understand that feeling, and would never presume to tell other grieving parents how to heal.

“The families all really respect each other’s different journeys, because we have this unconditional love for each other,” said Michele Gay, who lost her 7-year-old daughter, Josephine. “But we find forgiveness incredibly liberating, because it cuts this terrible tie to this awful pain and suffering by simply letting it go.”

H John Voorhees III / Hearst Connecticut Media John Bergquist, of Newtown, a friend of Nancy Lanza, says she was a kind and non-judgmental person.