Husband’s texts are suspicious

Dear Annie: My husband and I are in our 60s and now both retired. I picked up his cellphone by mistake. I discovered he was texting a former co-worker who is an attractive 30-something divorcee and who introduced herself as my husband’s “work girlfriend.”

The texts were sent early in the morning while he was still in bed. I saw he had sent her texts saying he hoped she had a special and lovely day, with hearts and kissy-face emoticons. Her replies had the same emoticons.

When confronted about the messages, he admitted he had a strong attraction to her but insisted nothing physical had ever happened between them. He said the words he used in his messages were merely “terms of endearment” and he was only trying to encourage her because she was going through a rough patch at work. I reminded him that I was, too, but never once did he use those terms with me or send me kissy-face encouraging messages. Matter of fact, he’d tell me to shut up when I was talking to him about my work issues. He did tell me, though, that she had already broken up two marriages.

After I discovered the messages, I asked him to stop contact with her, and he promised he would, but a few months later I discovered they were still messaging. This was all crushing to me at the time because I never, for even a moment, thought my husband would cheat on me. We were solid.

Am I just being paranoid, as he claims? Is he still having an emotional affair with this person? I told him initially that I’d leave him if I found he was still in contact with her. I told him he needed to choose, and he keeps telling me I’m his one and only love. I think the only reason he’s still with me is his fear of losing touch with our children. I feel old and fat and ugly and used. Am I right?

Suspicious

Dear Suspicious: No one can make you feel old, fat and ugly without your consent. Trust in a marriage is everything. If you feel that you have lost trust in your husband, it is time to seek counseling. It could be just an innocent friendship between two co-workers, or it could be more. But the most important thing is to address what is going on in your mind. If you are living with a feeling of suspicion that is affecting your self-esteem, you need to seek professional help. Once you begin to feel good about yourself, you can then address the issues with your husband with a clear mind.