A daughter is homophobic

Dear Annie: I am a 50-year-old woman. I have two adult children and two grandchildren. I am a recovering addict. My daughter chose to stay with me during all those painful years. Now, after many years alone, I finally met someone who loves me, and I love her — yes, “her.” My partner is a woman. “Sally” and I have been living together for almost three years. I moved out of state a year ago to be with her.

Here is my issue: My son is OK with my relationship — and is respectful and kind — but my daughter is a whole different story. She is not happy with my decision to be with another woman. She and Sally have had arguments, and I am tired of being put in the middle. They curse and say very harmful things to each other. I have spoken with Sally about this and asked her nicely to stop getting upset and saying these hurtful things. I’ve asked the same of my daughter. They ignore my requests and continue to not like each other and to treat each other with disrespect.

I really don’t know what to do. My daughter doesn’t want me to even talk about my relationship to her or around the grandkids. She wants me to pretend Sally doesn’t exist. What can I do? Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck in the Middle:

It’s unfair of your daughter to not give your partner a chance. Maybe she is having a hard time accepting your new relationship because it’s with another woman and that doesn’t fit with the image of who she believes you should be — in which case, she should adjust her picture. Or maybe this is a matter of overprotectiveness and would happen even if you were seeing a man. It’s probably a bit of both.

And then there’s Sally. You should always strive for a good relationship with your partner’s family. If a good relationship isn’t possible, then you should at least go for a polite one. If even that’s not possible, then it becomes about finding some sort of peace with that. What you absolutely should not do is scream and curse at your partner’s family members. Sally might rationalize it as her defending you, but really she’s just making your life harder. Ask her to go to couples counseling so you can find sustainable ways of coping with the stress you face as a couple.