A bride-to-be is caught in divorced parents’ squabble

Dear Annie: I’m getting married in a fewmonths, and I’m paying for everything myself. My parents are divorced and not on good terms, but I have a good relationshipwith both of them and want them there. Recently, my mom said she expects me to ask my grandfather (her father) to walk me down the aisle because “he’s the one that’s really been there for you.” I told her no, and, while I love my grandfather, I want mydad to do it. Mom said absolutely not, adding, “That deadbeat doesn’t deserve it.” Though I would never throw it in her face, it was Mom who did something wrong and ended my parent’s marriage. Ever since then, she has taken every opportunity to tear Dad down and often tells us of how awful he supposedly was to her during their marriage. (She never mentioned any of this before they divorced.)

While I can’t know everything that went on between them, I do know my dad is a sweet, kind, gentle manwho is well-loved by the entire family. Mom, on the other hand, has several relatives who refuse to speak to her. The fact is that I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and no one else. It’s what I’ve always dreamed about. But if I do this, I wouldn’t put it past my mom to throwa fit right in the middle of the wedding. She can bevery manipulative, almost inconsolable, when she doesn’t get herway. On the other hand, if I give in and ask my grand father, it will break my heart andmy dad’s aswell.

Is there any way I can have my dad walk me down the aisle without totally ruining my wedding? Bride-to-Be

Dear Bride-to-Be: The way to have your dad walk you downthe aisle for your wedding is to have your dad walk you down the aisle for your wedding. Your dad sounds like a good man, andhe deserves to walk his daughter down the aisle. Your momi s exhibiting narcissistic behavior and is making your wedding all aboutwhat shewants. How unfair, especiallywhen you are paying for everything. Very often, when narcissists don’t get their way, they throw fits. Your fear that she will throwa fit or do something to disturb thew edding and embarrass you is justifiable.

Before the ceremony, Iwould have a meeting with your mother, your fiance and the person who will be marrying the two of you. Your mom needs to be told that this day is not about her andher wishes; it is about the love celebrated between you and your fiance. Perhaps you can create something within the ceremony or reception for your mother to also feel special— thanking her in a toast or including a favorite poem or prayer of hers.

If she tries to disturb your wedding, you might have to be prepared to ask her to leave or just ignore her. But, hopefully, you can circumvent her creating a scene by communicating your wishes with her directly from the beginning. Congratulations on your wedding! Wishing you a lifetime of love, joy and laughter.

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