Reader feels slighted by mother-in-law’s kind gesture

Dear Annie: I finally realized that I cannot change people or their behaviors. I can only change mine. My 52-year-old life partner, “Ed,” assists his 80-year-old mother, “Laurie,” with everything. Ed is not in the greatest shape; he has gone to the ER regarding chest issues and is sore all the time. Still, he will not stop assisting her.

A few weekends ago, I overheard him telling her I was not feeling well, but that if she wanted to, she could come by for a cup of coffee. I retired to my bedroom. She came over and dropped off dinner. I was furious. I guess, in her view, I am not taking care of him. Why am I cooking and grocery shopping if she’s just going to make his dinners, too? Is there any respect for the fact that he is an adult and someone is already here for him? Annie, Ed already sees his mom during the week. On the weekends, I just want us to be able to relax together. Through the years, she’s been overbearing and overwhelming. Lots of times, we could not even go out without her getting upset if we didn’t invite her. I have done years of counseling, only to finetune this scenario. Lately, I am looking to relocate to another town. Ed won’t move because of his mother. I know this is Ed’s business, but it’s impacting my life, too. This grown man needs to put his foot down. And his mother needs to accept that he has a woman who is capable of taking care of him. Merry-Go-Round and Round

Dear Merry-Go-Round: It’s all well and good to say that you realize you can’t change other people. The real work comes in when it’s time to act like it. Instead of assuming you know what Ed needs and wants, sit down with him for a heart-to-heart and ask. Express to him that you’d like quality time with him during the weekends, sans Mom. And see if he’s at all open to the idea of moving, if that’s something you’re serious about. Since therapy was an asset for you, consider giving it another shot (and perhaps inviting Ed to join you). Also, reflect on whether this so-called merry-go-round has warped your perspective. From where I’m standing, someone bringing you dinner while you’re ill is a thoughtful gesture, not an attack.