Redirect gift-giving efforts to those who appreciate it

Dear Annie: As we enter the holiday season, I am unsure of the etiquette around giftgiving. I know the old saying that it’s better to give than to receive; however, as I age, I find myself giving and giving, and not receiving much of anything. Even a simple thank-you or a small sign of appreciation for my gifts is missing. I would like to be above feeling sad about this lack of recognition, but I am not. It does make me sad. I would like to start to cut these people out of my holiday generosity, but then I feel that it may impact those around them. For instance, some are nieces and nephews and it may hurt my siblings if I’m not recognizing their (grown) children. And neither my siblings nor my nieces and nephews recognize this generosity. At this point, I’m not even sure they’d realize if I didn’t get them presents this holiday. Is there a good way to end my cycle of unrecognized giftgiving? Please help me.

Underappreciated Giver

Dear Underappreciated

Giver: You are correct that it’s better to give than to receive, but that’s because seeing the happiness our gifts cause should bring us mutual joy. It sounds like those receiving your gifts aren’t sharing their joy, and that is hurting you.

There are plenty of families and organizations that are in need of support and resources throughout the holiday season, and I recommend you redirect your efforts to those who will appreciate your generosity. In lieu of presents to ungrateful family and friends, send a holiday card letting them know that you’ve decided to donate to an organization in their honor or name. If you’d still like to send something more, bake some holiday treats to pass along a little homemade love.

You’ll get plenty of appreciation from the organization you support, and you’ll know not to expect it from your family.

To all my readers, remember to hug, call or write those who shared their generosity with you, and let them know you appreciate them.

Dear Annie: My father was physically abusive to me when I was a child. When I was a teenager, he was distant and emotionally abusive.

As a result, I was extremely depressed for most of my life, with no sense of self-worth. I confronted him when I was an adult, and he tried to explain why he was that way, but he never apologized. Now he is 93, lives in a nursing home and probably won’t be alive much longer. I would like to get closure by telling him how much his behavior damaged my life, but I know it would hurt him at the end of his.

Should I get the closure I have needed all my life, or should I keep it to myself to spare his feelings?

Still Hurting

Dear Still Hurting: I am so sorry that you had to endure both physical and emotional abuse from the man who was supposed to be your hero. It is understandable that his actions affected your self-esteem. Through good therapy and a supportive network, I am hopeful that you can put the suffering in the past. Confronting your father will not necessarily bring you closure.

The real person you have to “confront” is the little child who was hurt. Tell her that your father’s abuse had nothing to do with her. Nothing she did wrong. It had everything to do with her father and his troubles. Show her as much love and compassion as you possibly can, and, from there, you will be on the road to healing.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators. com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.