Talking less, listening more

The gentleman sitting next to me, Sporty King, said, “I knew him for 35 years and I didn’t know that about him.” He added, “It’s eyeopening — the things you learn about a deceased at a memorial service.” Whenever I hear an insightful remark or phrase like this one it goes into my reminder list. And so, I wrote down Sporty’s observation.

Later that day I connected Sporty’s insight with the topic I wanted this yearend column to be about. I was thinking of writing about the importance of listening, but needed Sporty’s few words to spark my thinking.

Over the years I have separated people into two groups, the listeners and the nonlisteners with subgroupings of each. In this array of listeners are business colleagues, friends and family. I selfqualify as a recovering nonlistener. I have gotten better. But I am not where I’d like to be.

Most of us fall below the center of my “listening scale.” Fortunately, over time I have known only a handful of extreme cases that rank near the bottom of this scale. One example is the individual who asks a contrived question. Then, before anyone can fully respond, this individual skillfully twists the conversation into a rant about a longheld personal belief. Then there are those who believe no one else can think at a level higher than themselves and simply prevent others from interrupting their monologues.

Now, mind you, I have seldom come across hardcore offenders among average nonlisteners. These are mostly upstanding individuals who mean well and share their conversation time with others. We instinctively know who they are. They fall below the midpoint on the listening scale but are far away from the bottom.

What about the other end of the listening spectrum? The upside! Those who never interrupt, always ask questions and listen attentively because they’re interested in what others have to say. Or because they are seeking to understand a perspective different from their own.

In my lifetime, a few of these “upsiders” stand out. Among them is my longtime editor friend who always questions and listens. Another is a former truck driver who lends quiet support to everyone in his family, asks questions and always remembers past conversations.

Then there was my fatherinlaw, quiet and reserved, whom we knew was listening without his having to say anything. Most memorable was a lawyer, a family friend. Even when cancer was about to take him, he continued to ask questions and listen intently without ever saying anything about himself.

A few weeks ago, a local entrepreneur told me that his mother would bet him at gatherings about who could pick out the listeners and talkers in the crowd. So, why do most of us prefer to talk more about ourselves than listen? Is it rooted in our DNA, or is it the result of our fastpaced society or something else? I’m not sure.

Regarding Sporty King, other than his insight, my initial knowledge of him was only that we had come to honor a fellow member of the National Speakers Association. Sporty had flown in from North Carolina. The following day, I looked closely at his business card. He was a listening coach. What are the odds of a chance meeting

What about the other end of the listening spectrum? The upside! Those who never interrupt, always ask questions and listen attentively because they’re interested in what others have to say. Or because they are seeking to understand a perspective different from their own.

with a professional who speaks on the very topic I wanted to write about? I needed to know more about him personally and his work.

The following day I phoned him. I learned of commonalities between us that surprised me. Sporty had lived in Harlem on 125th Street, a few blocks away from my high school. He knew students who had gone there.

I also learned his classmates had shortened his legal first name, Respodii, to Sporty, because they had difficulty pronouncing it. He said that Respodii was derived from an old ArabIsraeli religion his father had practiced.

Our conversation lasted more than an hour. We discussed many aspects about the art of listening. I will always remember two things he said, “Beware of the conversation hijacker who listens, then switches the topic to themselves or another subject totally.” And “One way to get people to talk less and listen more is to teach them to think in paragraphs before speaking. Too often they stop thinking after the first sentence.”

I know what my key resolution for 2020 will be!

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