Grief program helps ‘isolated’ CT families

When her husband died from cancer, Tracy Lotko relied on family, friends and a grief program to support her and her teenage son.

But the coronavirus pandemic has made it harder for families to be with loved ones and hold funerals.

“I feel really, really bad for widows now,” said Lotko, whose husband Jack died in August 2018. “You’re isolated and this just isolates you even more. I just don’t know how some of these women are able to fully go through that grieving experience.”

Lotko and other families whose loved ones died during or before the coronavirus pandemic have turned to the Cove Center for Grieving Children, which helps families heal after death.

The Meriden-based organization has added services and offered virtual programs in response to the pandemic.

Early into the pandemic, participants conversations shifted from processing the death of loved ones to “grieving the loss of normalcy,” said Allison Gamber, executive director.

“The reality of it is, we were all grieving the loss of something and our families had a place to put that because they were involved in our programs to begin with,” she said.

Lotko and her 14-year-old son John participate in Zoom calls with other families every other Thursday. Activities have included creating luminaries to remember their loved ones.

“Unfortunately, the faceto-face contact is not there, but Barbara, who is the director of the Cove program we’ve taken part in has done a lot to compensate for that,” said Lotko, who lives in Cheshire.

Parents have called the organization while their spouse was in the hospital with COVID to ask for advice on how to talk to their children, Gamber said. She recommends being hopeful, but honest.

“Being honest will help alleviate some of those unknowns,” she said.

Families usually must wait at least three months before entering the programs to develop a new routine without their loved one.

“Generally, if a family enters our program too soon,

it is extremely overwhelming for them, for the child,” Gamber said. “They haven’t essentially returned back to what is their new normal life.”

But with the new “Caring Connection” program, families receive check-in calls and are connected to resources before entering the traditional services, she said.

The organization also added virtual programs for teens and men. Most support groups have met virtually, but one meets in person. The annual overnight camp for kids was canceled last year, but the plan is to offer a day camp this summer.

Programs for kids include visiting a funeral home to make the place less scary for them, Gamber said

“It helps when you can see these things without it being at that heightened emotional state,” she said.

However, these visits have not been possible during the pandemic. Funerals themselves have been limited, which is challenging because these rituals are part of grieving, Gamber said.

“It’s not the same,” she said. “You can’t go up and give everyone a hug.”

Children and families have also struggled because COVID deaths can be unexpected.

“Those types of deaths cause the most trauma for children because you didn’t know it was coming,” Gamber said.

Often, families do not get to say goodbye, another ritual in the grieving process.

“People are mad because they couldn’t see their loved one when they died,” Gamber said.

Anger is part of grieving, but it’s more “pronounced” during COVID, she said.

“It’s adding an earlier process than typical because they want to say goodbye and they’re not allowed to,” she said.

The organization has emphasized to children that it is not their fault that they didn’t say goodbye, remembering their loved ones through rituals, and understanding and regulating their emotions, Gamber said.

Mourning Jack

Tracy and Jack Lotko became friends freshman year in the engineering program at Western New England University, but started dating junior year after attending a formal dance together.

“If you had told me freshman year that I was going to marry Jack, I would have been ‘no way,’” she said.

She described him as funny, smart, and a big fan of Disney and sports.

Jack was diagnosed in 2016 with neuroendocrine cancer, a type of tumor that is genetic, she said.

When Jack’s health worsened, the family got a rescue dog to give him a friend and named him Shadowfax, after Gandalf’s horse in the “Lord of the Rings.”

“Actually one of the last things we did as a family is name the dog,” Lotko said.

The Lotkos joined the Cove about three months after Jack died on the recommendation of her son’s doctor and others.

“It wasn’t about what I needed for my grief process,” Lotko said. “It was really more about how I could help John through his.”

Her dad died when she was 14 and a program like the Cove would have helped her then, she said.

But as an adult, the Cove allowed her to connect with people going through similar experiences.

“It created, really, this family kind of experience,” she said.

Contributed photo Jack Lotko with his son John Lotko. Jack Lotko died in 2018 after a two-year battle with neuroendocrine cancer. His family has since attended programs with The Cove Center for Grieving Children.