Fiance offends in-laws by not asking permission

Dear Miss Manners :My daughter was proposed to, and has accepted. Her father, my ex-husband, became very angry and upset when he found out, because the young man did not ask his permission.

While I understand that asking the father for permission ahead of the proposal is traditional and courteous, I wonder if it was required by etiquette in our case. Our daughter is 21 and attends college. She only lived with her father fulltime for about eight of those years.

When the now-fiance asked my daughter if he should talk to her father first, she informed him that it was unnecessary. At no point in 21 years has her father ever mentioned that being asked first was an expectation of his.

After announcing her engagement, she received a few lectures from members of my ex’s family and from his live-in girlfriend. They say she and her fiance have offended her father by not asking permission first, and by not personally informing his girlfriend, and that an apology is in order.

I do not believe he has the right to be upset, as he did not convey those expectations. I also wonder if, given his noncustodial status and lack of involvement, it was necessary. If you could help me understand, I would be most appreciative.

Gentle Reader: The old-fashioned idea that fathers must be asked permission to “give away” their daughters is certainly problematic in modern times.

Patriarchal tradition runs deep. But while the reasoning behind the antiquated custom may no longer apply, the act of including family in the announcement of one’s milestones is important.

Had the young man informed (not asked) you, your ex and his girlfriend of his intention, he could well have avoided all of this. Instead, the girlfriend had to hear about it secondhand. Therefore, Miss Manners recommends that with future milestones, your daughter make calls and inform personally.

Write to Miss Manners at MissManners@unitedmedia.com, or by mail at United Media, 200 Madison Ave., 4th Floor, New York, NY 10016