Best friend’s fiancée asks her to back out of wedding party

Dear Miss Manners: My best friend since childhood is getting married in about six months’ time. We were a couple from the ages of 14 to 21, and now we are in our mid-20s. It was an amicable breakup: I joined the Navy and he wanted to settle down. No romantic feelings remain on either side.

He asked me to attend his wedding as his “best woman.” I, of course, accepted. I bear no ill will toward him or his future bride and only wish to see him happy.

Last week, his fiancée pulled me aside at a dinner party I was hosting to congratulate them and requested I make up an excuse as to why I can’t attend the wedding. She doesn’t want me in the wedding party, but she doesn’t want to anger him. She doesn’t even want me to attend.

Miss Manners, as he is my dear friend, I have contributed a great deal to his wedding, financially and time-wise.

I am no marriage counselor, but this doesn’t seem right to me. I would feel horrid lying to my best friend, but I also don’t want to ruin their relationship or his special day. What should I do?

Gentle reader: This is the bride’s problem, not yours. Because even if you complied, we all know it would not end with the wedding. Are you going to be forced to make up an excuse every time your best friend asks you to socialize? Not to mention the fact that the lie would be exposed eventually and likely ruin both relationships — yours and theirs.

Therefore, Miss Manners suggests you say: “I am not going to lie to my friend. If you do not wish to have me there, then it is up to you to tell him why. Of course, I will comply with whatever you both agree to.”

Then you might want to check if your wedding contributions are refundable.

Dear Miss Manners: I have never really put any thought into where I keep my purse at home. Now that I’m married, my husband seems to be really bothered by the location of my purse.

If I leave it by the entryway or near the front coat closet, he says it’s too close to the door and an easy target for thieves. If I put it on the dresser in the bedroom, it’ll “scratch the top.” If it’s hanging on a door, it’s “in the way.”

If I put it in the bedroom closet, it’s “gross, because the bottom of purses are dirty and shouldn’t be near clean clothes.”

I ask him where I should keep it, then, and he just says, “Put it away.” Where is “away”? Where is the proper place for a lady to keep her purse at home?

Gentle reader: Anywhere she likes. There is no etiquette rule for this. But since your husband feels otherwise, Miss Manners thinks the least he can do is to make a reasonable suggestion of his own — and not leave you standing there helpless in your own home with nowhere to put down your purse.

Dear Miss Manners: We occasionally travel on vacation with our couple friends. However, one of our friends lost her husband to an illness. We, of course, still wanted her to join us.

We stay in rental houses rather than hotels, because they are located where we want to be, and it’s so much nicer to have a common space where we can visit. We divide the cost of the house evenly, which means the singleton only pays for one person.

However, these houses usually have a master suite, and the couples take turns in them. Of course, that leaves the singleton out of a turn.

Our friend was upset to not have a turn. Should we overlook the difference in financial contribution and invite her to take her turn in the master suite, too?

Gentle reader: Is the financial aspect of this important enough to you to justify hurting your bereaved friend’s feelings by emphasizing that her status among you has changed?

As it would not even cost you extra to give your friend a turn in the big room, Miss Manners would think not. Graciousness, even if it violates strict accounting, is worth it.

Dear Miss Manners: I am so tired of being addressed as “Ms. (Name)” during phone calls, when I do not refer to myself that way. I tell them that (Name) is my first name, not my last. How should I handle this?

Gentle reader: By dropping it. There is no need to teach people not to treat you with respect. Most people will do that anyway.