Guest closing bedroom door while absent is within reason
Dear Miss Manners: Is it appropriate for a guest to close the door to the guest bedroom when they are not in the room? We have an occasional houseguest who does this, both when they are hanging out with us at home and when they leave the house. Is it the guest’s territory to do as they please for the duration of the visit?
Our guest bedroom is an office/library with a Murphy bed. We typically don’t need to go into that room when we have guests, only occasionally to fetch a book or an item from the closet. On the other hand, our family leaves doors of unoccupied rooms open, and having a room closed off with no one in it bothers me a bit.
Is there any etiquette around this? Relatedly, if a guest does leave the door open, is it OK to (briefly) go into the room when they are not there? Maybe I’ve felt too free to enter, and this is why the guest closes the door.
Gentle reader: Or perhaps they are worried about the mess you might find in there. But yes,
Miss Manners believes that there is an unspoken contract that once occupied, a guest room is largely the guest’s territory — within reason — and exceptions should come with notice: “I may have to go in occasionally to fetch some work when you’re gone, but I will do my best not to disturb anything.”
This gives your guests sufficient warning that you may have to enter — and that they should keep any private items hidden.
Dear Miss Manners: I like to think that I am a kind person who tries to interact courteously with others. I am also, however, extremely introverted.
When I receive an invitation for an activity I would hate, or from a person with whom I do not want to cultivate a relationship, I am unsure of the best way to decline. I hate to hurt someone’s feelings, but in trying to avoid doing so, I’m afraid the person is left without a clear “no” from me, and may try again. This makes me feel wishy-washy and insincere, and causes me even more stress. Could you offer a few gracious — but fairly short — methods of declining that will get the message across?
Gentle reader: Wishywashiness is so much more harmful to would-be hosts than a polite rejection would be. All invitations require a definite commitment one way or the other.
The solution is to reject the invitation without seeming to reject the person — even when you are. So when it is a particular activity, you say, “I’m not one for large gatherings, but I’d love to see you another time.” If you wouldn’t, you can plead general busy-ness: “Thank you, but this is a busy time for me, and I’m not going out much.” This is effective because everybody is busy, even those who are busy thinking of what to do with themselves.
Dear Miss Manners: I am an avid magazine subscriber and reader. When I am done with my magazines, I pass them on to several people, depending on their interests. If I want to keep an article or a recipe from one of them, I have been making copies of those pages, but I would prefer to just tear them out (as the recipes often have side notes, etc.).
When one passes along a magazine, should it be whole? If I tear out recipes or articles, should I just recycle the rest of it? I am the one paying for the subscription, so I feel that I may use the magazine as I want before passing it on. Or does the recipient have a right to receive a whole magazine?
Gentle reader: Rights are something to which a person is intrinsically entitled — or, if Miss Manners may be permitted to move from constitutional law to etiquette, something you are not required to say “thank you” for (though you still may). All your beneficiaries should expect is a friendly warning that you retained the recipe. Better that than a whole magazine covered with chocolate stains.
Dear Miss Manners: What is the best way to avoid explaining preferences? Like, when you’re asked for the reason you don’t like a particular movie, food or person?
I’m looking for a polite phrase to avoid being pressed for an explanation for something I don’t want to explain.
Gentle reader: “Tastes differ.” This should be accompanied by a philosophical smile and a shrug. If you need an illustration of the gesture, Miss Manners suggests watching old French movies.