Have you heard about these things called ‘tablecloths’?
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I hosted an open house-style party. We offered a buffet with a variety of hors d’oeuvres, plus white and red wines. Before the party, we set up numerous small tables around our living room to ensure that guests would have a place to set their plates and wineglasses.
On all these little tables, plus on the coffee table, I set out numerous coasters to protect the furniture finish. The coasters were generously sized, easy to use and, I thought, quite obvious.
Our guests were mostly from my husband’s chess club. Much as I enjoy my husband’s friends, not a single one of them made use of the coasters I had set out. They almost seemed to be trying to avoid using the coasters. My husband also ignored the coaster near his own seat, so he wasn’t very helpful in setting an example.
All the guests seemed to be having a good time, which allowed me to sneak around putting wineglasses on coasters while the guests were distracted by conversation, wine and good food. Not ideal, plus this strategy required a lot of monitoring and repetition. Next time, I will ask my husband to try to set a better example, but assuming the disregard of coasters persists, is there any polite way to get our guests to use them?
Gentle reader: The goal of a good hostess is to make guests feel welcome, which is hard to do while implicitly suggesting they are ruining your furniture.
Hard, but not impossible. You will be circulating to attend to your guests’ needs anyway, so insert the coaster when asking if they would like a refill.
But Miss Manners wonders if there is not a way to avoid the problem entirely, as you are in control of the furnishings. Would it not be possible to relocate the coffee table and cover the temporary tables?
Dear Miss Manners: My brother is getting married for the second time. He first married about 25 years ago, divorcing 10 years later. Since then, he has left a trail of destruction and heartbreak: He has cheated on, and lost, a series of partners and even got fired from a lucrative job because he conducted multiple affairs with employees.
His behavior has so alienated his children that they are barely on speaking terms. He admits to his transgressions but resents that his children avoid him and are not supportive of the upcoming marriage because they are appalled at the way he treats women. (The bride-to-be is not inexperienced. She’s been married several times and has children of her own.)
I was surprised to be asked to be the “best person” at the wedding. I accepted immediately, out of a sense of fraternal duty, without knowing the bride well or even supporting the marriage in my heart. I’ve regretted it ever since. Is it too late to back out?
Gentle reader: Yes. If it helps, Miss Manners suggests you think of your charming behavior at the wedding as a living demonstration that some members of the family honor their commitments, even uncomfortable ones.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I are in the process of adopting my sweet 2-year-old nephew. He has lived with us since he was 7 weeks old, due to my sister and brotherin-law’s inability to care for him. He is the sweetest, happiest child you could ever want to know and has bright red hair. This garners him a ton of attention when we are out in public. We get several comments and questions, mostly about his hair, every time we leave the house.
The most common question is something along the lines of “Where did he get that hair?” My husband and I don’t have a great response.
I can technically say that his hair color runs in the family, but I don’t really want to get into the adoption story with a random stranger. We will of course tell him that he is adopted, but not until it’s age-appropriate. Now is not the time to tell him his aunt is really his birth mom.
Do you have any suggestions for how we can respond to this intrusive question quickly and easily?
Gentle reader: Many redheads do not have a redheaded parent, so answering that it “runs in the family” should hardly raise an eyebrow.
However, as genetics is not always so accommodating, Miss Manners will remind everyone to think twice before asking such silly questions.
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