Seniors’ housing group isn’t practicing what it preaches

I changed my mind about moving into a local seniors’ nonprofit housing group, and they have returned my down payment, as expected.

I am an LGBTQ adult, and with the exception of one gay couple, the other members all seemed to be heterosexual. After I agreed to join the group, they treated me coolly at social events. I tried to talk with them about my experiences (using “I” statements), but they bristled and said I was being negative, so I just decided to cut ties.

Other LGBTQ adults also visit this group, then leave; I just got more involved than most.

Now, in the exit paperwork, they keep writing about how they miss me and hope I will visit often. I came to the conclusion that they value diversity on paper but not in person.

I’ve tried to take the high road, as I now focus on friendlier organizations. Is there any written message I could share with this group about the mismatch between what they say and what they do, in terms of diversity?

Gentle reader: “While I appreciate your values and mission to attract a wide range of residents, I hope that you will continue to strive not just for diversity, but also inclusivity and equity, where all members feel welcomed and that they belong. I am afraid that my personal experience fell short.”

If nothing else, Miss Manners hopes that you will have given them an education on what their own buzzwords really mean.

Dear Miss Manners: We are hosting a birthday party for our child. We have neither requested nor forbidden presents. We’re happy to accept them, but also happy to just enjoy the company of the attendees.

If our child does receive gifts, is it polite to open them at the party so that the givers can enjoy his delight? Or is it better to set any presents aside, so we don’t show them off or make it seem like gifts were expected? Which is more gracious?

Regardless, we will send out thank-you notes with our son’s participation, which is usually some cute scribbles.

Gentle reader: Opening presents at children’s birthday parties is a generally expected ritual, but increasingly optional. Done with the proper amount of preparation, however, it can, as you say, be delightful.

It is also a chance to teach children what not to say (“I already have that!”) and to be gracious even when they do not feel like it (“But I wanted the red one, not blue!”).

Given that your son is already being taught to send thank-you letters, Miss Manners has no doubt that if you choose to open presents during the party, he will be charming. She would instruct others, however, to weigh the possibility of its not going so well and proceed accordingly.

Dear Miss Manners: I just began a full-time grad program that is small, demanding — and excellent. I am 73 and my cohorts are in their 30s, and I haven’t noticed any particular gap in our views nor any alienation from the others. I am just absorbed in the reading, writing and discussions, like we all are.

My concern centers on others’ reactions when they hear about what I’m doing, like: “Isn’t that wonderful! Good to keep busy! Keep your mind active! So important when you’re aging!”

Nobody would ever say that to the other students. I’m taking this as seriously as they are. It’s not a little hobby; it’s a program that will contribute a lot to my long-term projects and goals. But because I’m two generations older than the other grad students, people (including my contemporaries) think it’s cute or sprightly of me.

When they tell me how wonderful it is that I am doing this, I know they’re trying to be nice. But I find these remarks condescending and insulting — pure ageism.

My only response so far has been a weak smile and a change of topic. Do you have any other ideas?

Gentle reader: Ah, yes — the return, later in life, of that well-meant toddlertalk: “Good job! You are walking all by yourself! I’m so proud of you!”

Miss Manners has never heard of a toddler replying, “Yes, and I will soon be able to outrun you.” You should probably observe equal restraint.

But she will permit you to inquire pleasantly, “And what are you doing to keep yourself busy and active?”