Wail watching
My roommate just found out her ex-fiance is terminally ill and is likely to pass away soon. Though they had a weird relationship, I can tell she’s taking it pretty hard. I really want to be supportive, but I honestly don’t know what to do or say around a grieving person. I’m worried about saying the wrong thing, especially because I’m really uncomfortable with grief. I told her I am here for her if she needs anything. What do you do and say for a person who’s in such a terrible situation? — Clueless When we’re around other people, especially other people who are upset, we tend to get uncomfortable with silences and rush to fill them with words. Unfortunately, not being Confucius or the Dalai Lama, we reach into our memory and pull out whichever condolence cliches are closest to the top, like, “Soon he’ll be in a better place.” (Where…an urn?)
Though we mere mortals tend to fail at profundities, we can do profoundly kind acts. What people who are suffering need at a time like this is compassion. Compassion gets confused with empathy (which a number of researchers define as “feeling with” a person). However, compassion is more than a feeling; it’s empathy with an action plan: the motivation to try to alleviate another person’s suffering.
There’s a temptation to be vague in offering help — “I’m here for you if you need anything” — probably because it’s hard to know what would help and also because you want to avoid offering the “wrong” thing. But what really count are your intentions. Consider that she has a lot of emotional weight on her now, and she probably doesn’t have her usual energy for routine chores like making dinner, picking up her prescription, or washing her car. If you step in and do these, let her know it’s about giving her a little help while she’s struggling. It should mean a lot.
You’re telling her she’s not alone, but in a way that doesn’t take poetic eloquence or attempts to cheer her up (because her sadness is uncomfortable for you). The reality is, 80 percent of success in amateur grief counseling is knowing better than to put the “fun” in funeral. The other 20 percent is just showing up — with pizza and pot edibles.