What an Earl wants

This new guy I’ve been dating said he wants to keep things casual. I’m bummed because I’ve caught some pretty intense feelings for him. Is it possible he just needs to get to know me better and once he does, he’ll feel differently?

— Wishful

Pursuing a relationship with this guy is like sentencing yourself to live out the rest of your days stuck in that “distracted boyfriend” meme.

Understanding your situation starts with a peek into book publishing. Unbeknownst to most people, the most profitable area in publishing is the romance and erotica genre. Most romance novels have pretty much the same theme: a high-status man, often wildly wealthy, who has shown he can’t be tamed but who, nevertheless, eventually is — by the irresistible beauty and specialness of one particular woman. This genre is literary catnip for the ladies, earning $1.5 billion in 2015, while the next best-earning book genre, mystery and crime, brought in a measly $730 million.

It turns out art reflects life — or rather, how women wish their romantic lives would play out. Evolutionary psychologist Catherine Salmon explains that, in romance novels, “in the end, the heroine is typically the one in control,” while the hero is “a slave to his passion/ love for her.” She references romance novel bloggers

Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan, who, hilariously, refer to the heroine’s hold over the hero as the power of the “magic hoo hoo.” Once the hero has this particular hoo, “he desires no other,” writes Salmon. Or, as some researchers put it, a “dad” is being molded out of the ashes of a confirmed “cad.”

Salmon explains that women’s longing to be irresistibly desired emerges from evolution’s effect on female emotions, pushing women — who, unlike men, can get pregnant from sex — to be commitment-centric.

This “female desire to be irresistible” is ultimately a desire by a woman “to be secure in the belief that her choice of mate is the right one and that he will never stray.” As for the power and prevalence of this desire, Salmon notes previous research finds that more than half of female sexual fantasies revolve around “the desire to be sexually irresistible,” and this desire seems to be “at the heart of the bodice-ripper style of romance and fantasies of submission.”

Now, it’s within the realm of possibility that this guy only thinks he wants to keep it casual, and he’ll come around and become your Mr. One And Only. Research suggests men can sometimes be triggered into committing when they sense they have competition, like through your dating other guys. It’s likewise possible this wouldn’t change anything; he might simply be in the thick of his sexual safari years. So, applying the old 80⁄20 equation to your situation, 80 percent of success in love is showing up; however, the other 20 percent is making sure you aren’t showing up to hookup hell in a wedding dress.