Hex and the City

My ex cheated on me and conned me financially, but before I realized this, I had really fallen for him. I miss him and keep thinking about him every day, and I can’t seem to stop. A friend suggested I get a spell from a witchcraft store. She insists this helped her have closure after her bad breakup. I’m a rational person, and this sounds completely ridiculous, but nothing I’ve tried (from meditation to venting to total strangers to dating other people) has helped. Please tell me this is completely stupid.

— Plagued

It’s a tempting idea, the notion that you can solve your lingering emotional issues via retail, a la “Curses: Today only, two for $19.99!”

In fact, a ritual — such as casting a spell or hockey player Stephan Lebeau always chewing 20 to 25 pieces of gum and spitting them out two minutes before faceoff — can have a positive effect. I know this sounds rather cuckoopants; however, it isn’t because the ritual works in any supernatural way.

A ritual, explains Harvard Business School professor Francesca Gino, is some “symbolic activity” you perform in hopes of making something happen. Gino finds that performing rituals leads to “increased feelings of control.” This can help the ritual-doer calm down and be more in control.

Amazingly, even those who think the ritual they’re doing is total hooey experience this benefit — what I’d call the abracadabra placebo effect. Our psychology seems tuned to figure if we’re taking some action, it’s for a reason: to make things better.

You might create an eviction ritual to get the guy out of your head. I suggest writing the story of your relationship, including what you learned that will help you avoid entanglements with future Mr. Rottens.

Psychologist James Pennebaker finds that “expressive writing” — even 15 minutes spent describing the emotional impact of a bad experience — helps us reinterpret and make sense of what happened so we can go forward instead of endlessly rechewing the past. Invite a friend over (or dress up your cat) to bear witness, and then say a few words, light the story on fire, and flush the ashes. This should help you accept it’s over, though, admittedly, without the finality of the day of celebration you probably think the guy deserves: Casual Human Sacrifice Friday.

For pages and pages of “science-help” from me, buy my latest book, ”Unf *ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence.” It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.