I don’t want to lock my room from my daughter
Dr. Wallace: I’m the mother of a 16-year-old daughter. She’s the love of my life but sometimes she drives me nuts! What gets under my skin is that she does ask me to borrow anything.
She regularly dips into my makeup, my cologne and perfumes, my clothes and even my shoes! We wear nearly the same shoe size, and since her feet are just a touch smaller than mine, she can tighten up a few pairs of mine that have adjustable clasps and take off in them.
I don’t want to always lock up my room when I leave the house, but I don’t know what else I can do to keep her from raiding my private space. I’m at my wit’s end at this point, so do you have any suggestions for me? I certainly don’t want to start a big loud fight and alienate her from me over this.
— An exasperated mom, via email
An Exasperated Mom:
Communication coupled with clear ground rules is the key in this situation. You need to immediately sit down with your daughter and explain to her exactly what your rules are and why. Also, lay out whatever punishment you plan to enact if she persists in behavior that you have notified her in advance that is not acceptable.
Your letter did not mention what communication you’ve had with her about this topic to date, but in any case, I recommend that you start again fresh from here. Wipe the slate clean but be extremely clear right now what your rules and consequences are. I also suggest that you do allow her to borrow
(or use and consume) a little bit of your items only with your explicit advance permission and with you present as she uses the products.
If possible, seek to turn this issue from an interpersonal conflict into an opportunity for a bit of mother/daughter bonding. However, once you set your rules, do not let them slide.
Why do my friends follow in their parents’ footsteps?
Dr. Wallace: I have a lot of friends who seem to be poised to follow right in their parents’ footsteps. Why do so many young people seem to do this? I just graduated high school and I’ll be attending my first year of college in the fall at a university about 45 minutes away from my hometown. I’m excited because I’ll be living in a dorm room on campus, and this will give me my first taste of true freedom to run my own life and make my own decisions.
This is why I find it so confusing to see so many of my high school friends who plan to work in the very same careers, often at the same companies, as their parents do. I think this is super boring and kind of crazy. Speaking for myself, I plan to do my own thing. Yes, my dad has a good job, but I want no part doing the type of work he does. I’m very surprised that so many of my peers don’t want to do what they prefer and instead they just let their parents direct them into the same professions as they work in. Why do so many young people follow right in their parents’ footsteps?
— Don’t get it, via email
Don’t’ Get It: There are many reasons for this phenomenon. First, don’t discount the fact that some of your peers might actually be interested in or enjoy the fields of endeavor that one or both of their parents work in.
Most young people become familiar with the type of work their parents do and begin to understand and absorb the associated principles and nuances almost by osmosis over many years.
For other families, they may have an equity stake in a business, and there it is natural for a daughter or son to enter such a field as a gradual form of succession.
Even if no ownership or equity is involved, there are two main advantages to working in a field that a parent trailblazed first. One is that the parent can provide introductions and connections within the industry, especially if said parent is successful, proficient and well-liked in the industry.
Second, following a parent’s career path allows a son or daughter to have a great sounding board for advice and suggestions on how best to navigate a fledgling new career.