Grief dominates teenager’s life after mother’s death
Dr. Wallace: I lost my mother this past November when she passed after a long illness. I’ve been devastated and can’t seem to think about anything else other than losing her.
Now I’m really struggling at school because it’s hard to concentrate. I’ve always been an above average student, but since Thanksgiving, my grades have gone straight down in all of my classes. I’m a junior in high school, and I’m afraid that I might have to take this whole school year over again next year if I don’t find a way to climb out of the grief I’m stuck in.
At this point, I have not said anything to anyone, especially my teachers. One of them looked at me with a funny look when she handed me back a test that I failed badly. She didn’t say a word, but I could see in her face that she was really disappointed in me, and that makes me feel even worse. What can I do? I’m really worried that I won’t pass a single class the rest of this school year. — Overcome With Grief, via email
Overcome With Grief: Your letter did not mention your father, and if he’s in your life, then you should have him — or any trusted adult who is your guardian — set up an appointment immediately with the counseling office at your high school.
You need assistance in dealing with your grief, and your teachers all need to be made aware of your situation immediately. Quite often, special arrangements are made for students going through similar sad experiences.
It may be possible to study from home, to work with a tutor or to make some sort of alternate arrangements so that your grades will not be held against you as you deal with your deep loss and grief.
Every school and situation is different, depending on the particular counselors and programs that your school has in place.
The key here is to let your school know about your situation right away and for you also to get the grief counseling you need right now. At some point in the future, you will likely be able to resume your studies, but until then, please lean on professional support and know that your school and your teachers will step up to help you without penalizing you. I wish you the very best going forward and am sorry for your loss. I’m sure your mother would approve of you seeking help. She loved you and wanted what was best for you, so take comfort that you are doing the right thing to get yourself help immediately.
Dr. Wallace: My best friend since the sixth grade just went through a rough breakup with her boyfriend of seven months. There was a lot of drama the last two weeks of their relationship, and some of it was more public than she would have liked for it to have been.
We’ve been friends for five years, so I spent the first week consoling her and helping her to keep her chin up. Exactly 12 days after that breakup, I received a phone call from her ex. He spent the first two minutes asking me how she was doing, saying he hoped she was not taking things too hard and so forth.
Then, he spent five minutes telling me how attracted to me he had always been and that he liked my personality and the way I dress. He then proceeded to ask me out on a date! I was so shocked that all I could do was mumble to him that I’d have to think about it. We hung up, and then I caught my breath and thought about his offer. He’s a nice guy and he’s very good-looking, so I allowed myself to think about it for a few minutes before I decided that it wouldn’t be right to accept his offer, so I put that call out of my mind.
But two days later, his call was front and center in mind again, and in an effort to squelch my fleeting thoughts of going out with him on a clandestine date somewhere, I just decided to tell my best friend about his call to me.
She told me that she was not surprised that he would do that, and she even went so far as to say that she wouldn’t care if I did go out with him. But the whole time she was saying this, I could see on her face that she was not happy at all to hear my news.
Now I’m wondering if I should just go on one date with this guy to get it over with, or if I should tell him I’ve decided not to go out with him. What do you think? — Stuck in the Middle, via email
Stuck in the Middle: I don’t feel you have a dilemma, nor do I feel that you’re stuck in the middle of anything. I think your friend’s face told you all you need to know and that you are dangerously unaware of just how raw her feelings remain at this time.
She’s spent nearly two weeks leaning on you for emotional support, and she’s your best friend, a girl you’ve known for five years. If you value that friendship, my advice is to forget about dating this guy at all at this point in your life. Politely turn him down and tell him your focus is on your friend right now and that you wish him well, but your answer is no.
Imagine how much better your friend will feel if she hears from you that she’s more important to you than he is, and that even though she said it was all right for you to date him, you’ve thought about it and you’d prefer not to. Tell her that helping her through this rough time in her life is your current focus. I trust the bond of your friendship with her will be immeasurably strengthened and that both of you will have many opportunities to date someday that you can each look forward to and feel completely good about.