Shocking STD disclosure places partner at risk

DEAR AMY >> I recently found out that my partner of two years has herpes and has transmitted it to me.

I moved into her house about four months ago. While moving some things around in her garage, I inadvertently came across a doctor’s report showing that she had it. When I confronted her with the information, she said she had gotten it 10 years ago from her ex-husband.

She did not tell me (and I did not ask) when our relationship began.

I have incurable leukemia and an infection from a herpes outbreak could kill me. Even when she was told that infections can be medically devastating for me, she still did not tell me about her herpes.

She says she just did not put “two and two” together.

My issue is that since she did not do the right thing by me with the herpes and leukemia situation, I don’t feel that I can trust her to do the right thing in any situation. Can this trust be rebuilt? — Trustless Man

DEAR TRUSTLESS >> It seems that your live-in partner had no intention of revealing her herpes status unless/until you became ill.

Her two-and-two analogy is pretty hard to believe. She has an STD and EVERY sexual partner should be told about it, regardless of that partner’s health vulnerability.

If you wanted to continue in this relationship, then she would have to come up with a plausible explanation for withholding this from you. “I forgot” is not plausible; “I felt shame and thought you wouldn’t love me if you knew” is somewhat plausible.

After that, you would have to come up with a way to forgive her. If you weren’t able to forgive her for this, you wouldn’t ever be able to trust her.

My reaction is that this rises to an extreme level, and is not only unkind and neglectful, but bordering on criminal — like leaving a loaded weapon on the bureau and then being shocked and surprised when someone gets hurt.

So no, I don’t think she can be trusted. And I’m very sorry this has happened to you.

For trust to be rebuilt she needs to be a full partner, admitting her wrongdoing, asking for forgiveness and offering to answer any and all questions you have. She should also accompany you to a doctor’s appointment so you could both receive reliable medical counseling. A relationship counselor could help you both navigate this very tricky issue.

DEAR AMY >> My mother-inlaw continues to be friends with a woman with whom my husband had an affair.

This woman no longer lives in the area, but I feel she uses my MIL to stay in some proximity to my husband.

I find that reprehensible and I feel like cutting my MIL out of my life. Am I being harsh? — Disturbed

DEAR DISTURBED >> It is hard enough to keep your marriage together after infidelity without worrying about other family members choosing to maintain a relationship with the affair partner.

You don’t outline the history of your mother-inlaw’s friendship with this woman, but I agree that if she isn’t willing to distance herself from this friend, the least she could do is to be circumspect about it.

You should tell your mother-in-law, “I’ve worked hard to keep this person out of my life, and I would really appreciate it if you would not bring up her name. This is very painful, and I don’t want to hear about her.”

DEAR AMY >> Regarding the sweet letter from “Worried,” the 11-year-old girl who recently lost her father, I just want to pass on another resource for her.

I work for Gentiva Hospice in Pleasanton, California, and we are running a grief camp for children. This camp is free for all attendees — it is paid for by donations to our Gentiva Foundation. Although Gentiva has been doing this for 20 years all over the country, it is our first year putting on such a camp at our location. I don’t know where this girl lives, but there are many, many such grief camps for children all over the country.

It is a chance for the grieving child to get away, have fun and process her grief away from the pain and sorrow being experienced by the rest of her family. — Hospice Advocate

DEAR ADVOCATE >> Grief camps and Outward Bound-type experiences geared toward grieving youngsters are potential game-changers for children making their way through grief. Thank you for your work and advocacy.

DEAR AMY >> I was at a wedding reception recently where female guests removed their shoes and continued to dance barefoot all evening.

I am personally creeped-out by this and suspect that there could be foot injuries from stray dumped beverages or broken glass. Please address this issue somehow and encourage young guests to not do this. Spare shoes?

I am aware of one mother of the bride who bought a bucketful of flipflops for guests to borrow and wear! — Concerned Guest

DEAR CONCERNED >> I danced barefoot at my own wedding. But now that you bring this up, I realize that, although going barefoot anywhere is risky, this is especially true at an event where guests are drinking and may be wearing stilettos. But people do a lot of risky things at weddings. Accidents definitely happen.

And it’s a true fact that we cannot protect ourselves — or others — from every dumb choice we make. I like the idea of bringing spare shoes and/ or providing flip-flops, but if women want to liberate themselves of their uncomfortable footwear during the dancing portion of a wedding, I say, more power to them.

Amy Dickinson