Friend’s guilt over college assault haunts her

DEAR AMY >> When I was a freshman in college, 17 years ago, my roommate and I went to a house party.

My roommate disappeared into a room with a guy. He locked the door. I banged on the door, but she didn’t come out.

When she did emerge, she said she wanted to leave. On our walk back to the campus bus stop, she broke down sobbing, saying that he had forced her to have sex with him.

At the time, I had no way of comprehending that this was rape.

I am pretty sure I reacted poorly. I was in complete shock.

I do remember saying that we should go to the clinic, and that we should tell someone. She didn’t want to.

When we woke the next morning, she didn’t want to talk. We never talked about it.

Given all that is now coming to light around rape culture on campuses, and the wisdom that comes with age, I am riddled with guilt.

This must have shaped her college experience and her life in an awful way. I feel so ashamed and guilty that I didn’t help her. We are still friends and I really want to tell her I am sorry, but I don’t know how, or if I should.

— Ashamed

DEAR ASHAMED >> According to recent statistics gathered by the National Crime Victimization Survey and published by the National Sexual Assault Hotline, for female college students, only an estimated 20 percent report their assault. Your friend is in the great majority of women who do not report being raped.

Because you still have an active friendship with her, you should be open and honest now. Tell her how you feel about what happened, share your regret that you didn’t do more to help her, and offer her your loving kindness and support.

She may say she doesn’t want to discuss this or that she doesn’t remember the episode in the same way that you do. She may ask you never to bring this up again.

Respect all of her choices, and remember the wisdom of Maya Angelou: “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”