Daughter wonders how to disclose alcoholism

DEAR AMY >> My mom died several years ago, and my father has remarried. The woman he married is an alcoholic.

Dad seems to be in denial about this fact, or, perhaps he simply doesn’t care. When my siblings and I have confronted Dad about her alcoholism, he gets uncomfortable, makes excuses and changes the subject.

For years, my siblings and I have told our children that they are never to get in a car with her because she is an “unsafe driver.”

The children are now coming to an age where they are asking questions, wondering why they can’t get into a car with her, why she acts the way she does.

My children are visibly uncomfortable and scared when she is around, and I can’t lie to them any longer. I feel that by keeping this secret from them, I am condoning her behavior, which is not the message I want to send to almost-teenagers about substance abuse.

My siblings think telling my children will result in a major rift, with Dad deciding not to see us any longer. As painful as that would be, I am prepared for that because I need to protect my children. But I’m concerned I will upset my siblings to the point that I will lose both Dad and my siblings.

What can I do?

—Concerned Daughter

DEAR CONCERNED >> Yes, your “almost-teenagers” should be informed about their grandmother’s alcoholism. From what you’ve reported, there is a significant risk to their safety and well-being. There is no reason for you to disclose or discuss this with others — how your siblings choose to handle this is up to them.

Your kids have already picked up on the fact that something is wrong. Having that confirmed may upset them, but it may come as a relief too. Please, do NOT present this as a value judgment, but as an unfortunate reality about a family member.

Your father’s wife has a disease, and it is called alcoholism. By being honest with your children, you are showing them that their instincts telling them something was wrong were good. You should talk to them regularly about alcohol use. Obviously, they will be facing risks and temptations in their own lives.

Amy Dickinson