Friend wants to hear ‘could,’ not ‘should’

DEAR AMY >> I have a friend who is “should-ing” me to death.

She is a wise woman, so I find myself discussing various life issues with her. Sometimes I ask for her advice.

However, every single time we have these conversations, she begins a lecture of “shoulds.”

I say “lecture” because her continual use of the word “should” makes her thoughts seem more like a monologue than a warm exchange of ideas. Maybe I’m too sensitive, but when others ask me for my thoughts, I offer my advice with words such as “you could,” which I think allows the conversation to flow, not stop.

Do you have any ideas how I can encourage my friend’s awareness of this? I don’t want to lose her genuinely helpful viewpoints. — Could-ing

DEAR COULD-ING >> This seems like you want to direct traffic on your friend’s freeway of good advice so that you can continue to take advantage of her ideas without feeling a shred of annoyance about how these ideas are conveyed. But your point about word choice is a good one.

I hope you will be brave enough to simply tell your friend how this affects you, saying (a version of): “I genuinely appreciate your wisdom and you’ve given me great advice over the years. But can I offer some feedback to you now? Whenever you tell me, ‘You SHOULD’ make a specific choice, it gets my back up, and I realize I become defensive. But when you tell me I ‘COULD’ make a choice, it inspires me to keep listening. And I want to keep listening.”

DEAR AMY >> I was surprised when you took the side of “Hurting,” the guy whose ex was falsely accusing him of abuse. So often, you reflexively take the woman’s side on any issue. I agree with you on this one. — Male Reader

DEAR MALE >> I reject your premise, but I’ll take the (backhanded) compliment. Thank you.