Mother worries and wonders how to let go

DEAR AMY >> My daughter has been dating a young man for about the last six years. They are both 25. He is an immigrant/refugee from a war-torn country and has struggled with serious psychological issues relating to his childhood He recently totaled his car and got a DUI, confirming that he is an alcoholic. He is on probation and cannot drive, so my daughter now often drives him.

I’m quite sure she feels deep compassion and a desire to rescue him. I believe he is a good person with a good heart. My daughter has a college degree, a good job, lots of talent and potential. She’s moving ahead in her career. She is attending AlAnon and counseling.

What is a mother to do? I have talked to her about my feelings, pointed out the obvious difficulties and heartache being in a relationship with an alcoholic. She asks me to let her heal from this, and she continues to date him. I have been to Al-Anon, and I hired a life coach to help me devise strategies on how to “allow” all of my adult children to be adults.

Why is this so hard for me to do, Amy? I pray a lot. I want to tell my daughter enabling him, making the biggest mistake of her life, wasting her time, seemingly changing who she is in order to “help” him cope.

I think about the many successful guys out there who could be so much fun for my daughter to be with. I drive myself crazy thinking about this, but I bite my tongue.

Do you have any advice for me on how to let go? — Distressed Mom

DEAR DISTRESSED >>Keep this idea in mind: Whenever you attempt to coach your daughter away from this man, what she hears is, “You’re so incapable of making good choices that you require my constant worry, omnipotent help, and guidance.” The harder you push her to leave, the more she will try to prove you wrong by staying. If you stop trying to fix her, she may stop trying to fix him.

It isn’t until you completely detach that she will fully come into her own. And in order to detach you will have to find a way to accept that your daughter may not ever become the version of an adult you insist she must be.

Parenting at this stage is counterintuitive. You must first trust that you did your best as a parent, and then you must accept your adult children as they are. The rest is really up to them.