Parents ponder inviting transitioning teen

DEAR AMY » My teenage daughter has a close friend named “Edward.” Edward used to be a girl and began transitioning to male last year. Their circle of friends has been intact for years, and they have all been very supportive of Edward.

We are planning a slumber party for my daughter’s upcoming birthday. She would like to invite six girls plus Edward to spend the night. Normally, there would be no way that I’d allow a boy to spend the night, but this situation is very different.

I don’t want to exclude or hurt Edward. I just don’t know what is appropriate.

If we do invite him, must we tell the other parents that there will be a boy (although he’s biologically a girl) spending the night? I want to act with compassion, but still be prudent and responsible. — Teen’s Mom

DEAR MOM » I think that (almost no matter the question concerning your child’s plans) if you are worrying about telling other parents, or wondering whether to tell parents, then you should probably tell the parents.

I shared your question with Shannon Garcia, director of TransYouth Family Allies (imatyfa.org). She responded, “Often times, the topic of gender identity is a touchy one. People don’t know what to say or how to act in situations that differ from societal expectations. The best policy is to acknowledge everyone with equal dignity and respect.”

Garcia and I agree that you can let the parents know about the plans, saying, “The kids our daughter has invited are...” and then you list the names, including “Edward.” If this group of kids has been close for years, then you can assume that the parents know Edward, or know about him, and might be as unconcerned about this as their children presumably are.

If a parent has a problem with this, they can speak to their own child, and their teenager will educate, correct, and convince them (or will go to the mat, trying), as teenagers have been doing since the dawn of time.

We are all in something of a transition, as we reconsider gender and encounter more people like Edward. This will become easier for everyone.