Family secrets find a home with brother

DEAR AMY » I have become the person in my family who holds family secrets.

I am the last of my immediate family, but I have half-siblings from my father’s second marriage.

Family folklore (which I haven’t been able to verify) is that our dad fathered a child with a high school sweetheart, and the child was put up for adoption. This child would be close to 80 years old now.

I’ve also become aware that prior to meeting my father, my stepmother got pregnant by a married man, was sent out of town to have the child and then also placed the baby up for adoption.

So, I have another half-sibling, and my three half-siblings have two half-siblings. My siblings don’t know about either of these stories. I have tried to find my half-sibling and have come up short, and have found nothing about my stepmom’s situation. Her sister is still living.

I feel torn in keeping this information from my half-siblings. They also feel ashamed that they don’t know much about their mother. I love them and don’t want to hurt them.

I don’t know what can be gained from telling them these stories. I also don’t know how/why I know all this and they don’t. It doesn’t seem fair to any of us.

Is it worth telling them while they still have time to possibly find their sibling, even though I haven’t been able to find mine/ours?

— Conflicted

DEAR CONFLICTED » The two stories you relate fall into the hearsay/rumor category. In fact, since both stories are so similar (a person has a baby out of wedlock and places the baby up for adoption), it’s possible that the two stories are in fact one story that has been jumbled or conflated over time.

Unless you have actual evidence that either story is true — or even corroboration of the story from another living family member — you shouldn’t repeat it.

You and your siblings should spend as much time as possible with your aunt (your stepmother’s sister), who may fill in some of the gaps of the family history through photos, letters, and stories. You could ask her privately about these rumors to see if she has any insight. But do not assume they are true.

Amy Dickinson