Man wonders why co-workers harass him

DEAR AMY » I’m a 47-year-old guy, happily married with four kids.

I am an average-looking guy and by no means God’s gift to women. I am easygoing, friendly to everyone, and have good conversational skills.

I work in a place for disabled people, where most co-workers are women.

Now to my problem: I’m wondering if I have been too friendly to my coworkers, because during the five years I’ve worked in my job, I perceive that some women are trying to get intimate.

In a group meeting one employee rubbed her leg against mine for a while, and at another, one woman leaned into me, touched my shoulder and back, and whispered some completely unimportant things in my ear (and so on).

It’s starting to feel awkward, because one of those two women is the same age as my daughter (20).

I like to interact and talk with people, but sometimes I feel that the conversation has gone too far; it feels that there is something more going on.

Sometimes the conversation strays toward topics (for instance, the emotions that this work wakes within us) that are not so common in a workplace.

Is there a way NOT to appear as if I’m after something from those women, without being rude? Am I just imagining things that are not there?

— Worried

DEAR WORRIED » The first thought of someone being sexually harassed is often that it is their fault. It’s not.

I’m going to guess that your work is rewarding, but possibly stressful, and emotionally (and perhaps physically) taxing. It is completely normal to talk about your feelings and emotions concerning your work. Being able to talk about your feelings helps you and your colleagues to stay sane and connected.

However, a co-worker should never interpret normal workplace chit-chat as an invitation to sexually harass someone. Rubbing your leg under the table in the conference room is unprofessional, unacceptable, and physically violating. Whispering in your ear is immature, unprofessional, and rude to you and others. You should always behave professionally. Keep your distance physically, never engage in overly personal conversations with co-workers half your age, and don’t discuss intimate issues in your marriage with co-workers.

Also — don’t worry about appearing rude toward people who are willfully violating your right to a harassment-free workplace. When this happens, you should start by drawing a distinct boundary, physically moving to another area, and simply asking the person to stop doing what they are doing: “Um ... don’t whisper in my ear, please. I don’t like it.” If this behavior continues, and/or gets worse, you should kick it upstairs to a manager.

Amy Dickinson