Family legacy of abuse visits next generation

DEAR AMY » I grew up in a large family that was often abusive and violent (physically and verbally). Most (but not all) of us have tried in adulthood to overcome the behaviors we learned as children. In my therapy, I have determined that the best way for me to keep from getting triggered by upsetting and disruptive people is to stay away from them.

I had not had an incident for many years, but at the last family gathering, one of my sisters deliberately targeted me.

I was caught off guard by the attack and resorted to my old reactive behavior (yelling and verbally fighting with her). The result was not pretty. It took me days to calm down.

I have worked very hard to control my reactions and behavior. I don’t want to stay away from family events, but I also do not want to put myself back in a situation where this could happen again.

The other family members tend to dismiss her behavior as, “That is how she is and she is not going to change.”

Should I not attend family functions, or is there another way around this? I could use some perspective. — Hurting

DEAR HURTING » It sounds as if you have worked very hard to overcome your family legacy. Good for you.

Yes, it is logical and rational to choose to keep your distance from people you don’t want to be with, especially when there is a likelihood that they will mistreat you.

I agree that the smartest perspective concerning your sister is this statement: “That is how she is and she is not going to change.” This is explaining — not excusing — her behavior. You cannot expect her to change.

But you have changed. You can try to demonstrate the new you by determining not only to feel differently, but to react differently to your sister. Also, build an escape hatch into every encounter.

When you are in her presence and she starts in on you, you can say, “Well, that’s my cue. I’m going to get myself another cup of coffee. Excuse me.”

Amy Dickinson