Reader wonders if parental jealousy over child is normal

DEAR AMY » Do you think it is normal for a parent to be jealous of their partner’s love for their (shared) child?

When my dad was alive, my mother would constantly get jealous of my relationship with him. I grew up a tomboy, and my father and I were very close. My mother would make comments that disgusted me, insinuating that our relationship was somehow in competition with their marriage.

Recently, I became aware that this isn’t as unusual as I’d previously believed it to be. I hear and see comments from parents, jokingly or otherwise, stating they are jealous of the attention/affection their child gets from their partner. If things are truly unbalanced, I suppose I can understand it. But generally, I would think that a parent would love seeing their kid be adored by their partner. Am I missing something?

I am childless and intend to remain so, therefore I do not offer my opinions to people who feel this way (except for my mother, who would sometimes apologize after making her comments).

But inside, I can’t help but feel that jealousy, of all emotions, is immature for anyone, let alone in this dynamic.

Can you offer some insight?

— Confused by Competition

DEAR CONFUSED » I have news for you: adults can be immature, and while many parents rise to the maturing process and challenge of having children — for others, the strain of folding another relationship into the family system causes them to act out.

If you think of a marriage relationship as a straight line between two points, adding a third point creates a triangle, and in the geometry of human relationships, the triangle is the toughest shape to navigate.

So yes, I believe that jealousy between partners is quite common. I’ve seen marital jealousy expressed regarding babies, children, house pets, close friendships, and a person’s career or hobbies. It can be tough to witness a child’s preference toward the other parent. But yes, mature and balanced people learn to not only tolerate, but celebrate this closeness.

DEAR AMY » Until recently I was close friends with a co-worker, until she told me (an animal lover) that she had moved and had abandoned her cat.

I’ve ceased speaking to her, despite her attempts to regain our friendship.

Should I give her another chance?

— Unashamed Cat Owner

DEAR UNASHAMED » I agree that this is an outrageous and upsetting thing to learn about someone. I can understand why this knowledge has interfered with your friendship.

However, in a very loose analogy, you are doing something similar to what this friend has done. You are exiting without offering a reason, explanation or apology.

You have an opportunity to do some advocacy here, if you would be willing to communicate. You should tell this friend, “The reason I’m so chilly toward you is because I am frankly stunned that you would have abandoned an animal.”

You don’t mention if this person surrendered her cat to a shelter or left it by the side of the road (there is a difference). In my home county, our no-kill shelter will take in surrendered animals, no questions asked. And then lucky people (like me) can adopt them into good homes.

Explain your reasoning to this person, and — if this is a deal-breaker for you (it obviously is) — then tell her so.

People who abandon animals (or people) need to understand that this affects other relationships. On a deep level, a friend would wonder: If it is so easy for you to abandon a family member, what’s to prevent you from abandoning me?

DEAR AMY » I have a 14-year-old niece, and I believe she is a spoiled brat.

Every time I complain about her, my older sister runs to her defense!

In my sister’s eyes, my niece can do no wrong. She takes her daughter on extravagant trips and my sister has the audacity to say that she is young and needs lots of experiences. I thought that elders were supposed to come first! My niece has her whole life ahead of her!

I am 54 and want to do something with my life, but for now I am stuck taking care of my ailing 89-year-old father. I am a full-time caregiver.

My sister treats me like dirt and I am fed up.

How can I put my sister in her place, and get my niece to step up?

— Taken Advantage Of

DEAR TAKEN ADVANTAGE

OF» It seems that your primary beef is with your sister. You should not be complaining about your niece to her mother — when you do so, you are forcing the parent to be defensive, and unifying the two of them in opposition to you. Her choices as a parent are really not your business.

Caregiving is an exhausting and depleting experience. I hope you will turn your anger into action, and look for ways for you to get the respite you deserve. Check with your local office on aging for respite services, and encourage (don’t demand) your niece to spend time with her grandfather.

DEAR AMY » “Big Sister Brenda” was struggling to explain to her much younger half-sister why she called her stepfather “Jack” while the sister called him “Dad.”

Thank you for advising that this family should simply be open and transparent about the mother’s previous divorce. I feel sorry for children who are needlessly kept in the dark about this sort of thing. — Happy Stepdaughter

DEAR HAPPY » The longer parents wait to explain family relationships, the more weighty these things seem.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ tribpub.com.