Mom wears a thong; girls want to follow suit

DEAR AMY » Iama 31-year-old mom. My two daughters are seven and five.

When we go to the beach, I always wear a thong or G-string bottom. My daughters have started to scrunch their bathing suit bottoms so their suits look like mine.

When we were shopping for new suits, my 7-yearold asked for a thong or Gstring suit, just like the ones I wear.

She could not find one in the girls’ department, and was very disappointed. My mother suggested that I buy a regular suit and take it to a seamstress and have it altered.

I don’t know if it’s appropriate for a 7-year-old to wear a thong or G-string bathing suit bottom. What do you think? — Wondering Mom

DEAR MOM » A good and basic rule to remember (in this and all things) is: If you’re wondering if something is appropriate, then it probably isn’t. This applies to behavior and bathing suits.

The reason your daughters couldn’t find a thong or G-string bathing suit bottom in the girls’ department is because in this culture thongs and G-strings are considered “sexy,” and thus not suitable for children.

Children should be dressed in ways that make it comfortable for them to swim and play. They are not mini-adults, and are not old enough to understand the sort of objectification that often accompanies the suit that you choose to wear.

And while I agree that this objectification is wrong, you should protect your daughters from it while they are young.

DEAR AMY » My husband, his parents and his sister rotate hosting duties for Thanksgiving every year. It’s our turn.

My husband and I decided to do something different this year. We did not want to worry about cooking or cleaning up, so we reserved (and paid for) a private Thanksgiving Day dinner at a popular steakhouse. We had no expectation of anyone paying for their meal; we only hoped it would be a good time.

My husband mentioned the restaurant plan to his mother, and she immediately said that they would not be participating. She wants a “traditional” Thanksgiving, and said we were “lazy” for hosting at a restaurant.

She also told my sisterin-law that we must have money to waste, and is trying to convince her to host Thanksgiving herself, instead of coming to the restaurant with us.

My sister-in-law is trying to make everyone happy, and hasn’t committed to anything yet. My motherin-law has dug in and refuses to even discuss the topic with us anymore.

I am hurt by this reaction. However, I do not feel we should change our plans because of her, or just give in, when our intention was to do something nice. What should we do?

— Wondering

DEAR WONDERING » You need to realize that it’s possible that if you announced to your mother-in-law that you were hosting at your home but would be serving lobster instead of traditional turkey, she might have a problem.

Many people have a specific vision of what this holiday is supposed to be about, and her vision seems to be one of you, laboring over a roasting pan, basting a turkey.

But if it’s your turn and whether you want to host this at a steakhouse, a Chinese restaurant or at the Tim Hortons on the highway, then your family should give it a try.

I’m not sure why Americans are so dug in about this particular meal; families can gather and bicker in many different dining environments. (You could also probably achieve your basic goals by having this meal catered at your home.)

If your sister-in-law wants to give in to her mother’s manipulations and host a Thanksgiving dinner instead of you, then that’s on her. You’ll have to then decide whether to attend, or eat your lonely steakhouse meal. If you decide to attend her meal, then be gracious and grateful. No sulking allowed.

DEAR AMY » Our mother recently died. Years ago, when Dad died, there was no acknowledgment from friends or relatives. With the passing of our mother, compassion went out the window. Some people responded with true sorrow, but for the most part I feel the rest of the condolences were from people guilted into it.

When these people had loss in their lives, we sent cards to all immediate family members. Through the grapevine, I heard that their lives were so filled with other family matters — including health problems — that they couldn’t respond to Mom’s death. These are adults. Some are blood relatives.

What is wrong with these people? The way I feel right now is when a future loss occurs for them, I will send a blank postcard saying, “Sorry for your loss. This is more than I got from you.”

— Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED » I would encourage patience; you lost your mom and you miss her. Of course you want this loss acknowledged. But you seem bitter about almost all of the condolences you’ve received.

You don’t get to determine which responses are genuine and which are a result of being “guilted.” Many people won’t send a card if they have also attended calling hours or a memorial service, or have spoken to you personally.

People approach loss differently; you react with kindness, but some people shut down. They don’t know what to say, and so they make the mistake of not saying anything.

I hope you can deal with your grief in a constructive way; avoid keeping score and most importantly, don’t let this change how you react to other people’s loss. Sending a sarcastic note of condolence is wrong. A single moment of smug satisfaction would soon be eclipsed by frantic clawing at the letterbox to try and get your note back.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@tribpub. com.

Amy Dickinson