In-law reaction to cancer treatment creates rift

DEAR AMY » Lately I have become persona non-grata to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. Next to my wife, they have been my closest confidants for years.

Being so suddenly rejected by these two women really hurts.

They claim I could have gotten my wife into an experimental program for her stage 4 cancer and that I didn’t. I have no idea what they are talking about.

Two top oncologists at different hospitals and the NIH and NCI agree and tell us to stay on the chemo she’s on because it’s working.

These physicians have said that she should definitely not go into any trial.

I’ve called my in-laws and apologized. I’ve asked how we can get back on the right footing. Neither woman will accept my apology. They treat me with utter disdain.

Yes, I know cancer causes all kinds of grieving. But it also brings families together. This is tearing us apart. I can’t bear the thought of spending the holidays (they live nearby) with people who despise me. Of course, my wife is standing with me.

We are using the excuse that Thanksgiving and Christmas both fall in the weeks when she is getting her chemo and she can’t go out. But the truth is, it’s simply too awkward to be false and pretend like everything is OK.

We have been entirely transparent for the past 20 months of this struggle. I feel these women are incredibly selfish and hurtful.

What should I do? What could I say to bring us back as one loving, supportive family around my wife?

— Cancer Dividing a Family

DEAR DIVIDING » Your total transparency during this health crisis might have actually set some of this in motion, because it seems to have inspired your wife’s family to believe that they are partners with you in her treatment.

Your wife surely has a role to play here. You don’t mention whether she has asked her mother and sister to treat you differently. They need to be reminded that your wife is in charge of her own treatment, and that their reactions are undermining her emotional well-being at a time when all of you need one another.

You might not be able to heal this family. For now, you should maintain a calm front, conveying to your in-laws that you miss them, and that is all. Encourage them to visit with your wife. Don’t discuss her treatment with them. And be aware that serious illness does make people behave irrationally. It is their powerlessness and grief talking. Fortunately, it sounds as if your wife is going to beat this. Keep your eyes on that prize.

You all might benefit from attending a family support group. The American Cancer Society (cancer.org) has a searchable database for support services; just enter your ZIP code and a list of local services will pop up.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ tribpub.com.

Amy Dickinson