Widow is happy alone, tired of ambush fix-ups

DEAR AMY » I feel my situation is more common than most folks are aware of. Let me explain: I’m a 48-year-old woman. I was widowed six years ago.

I have no family left (our children are now adults), and I am lucky to be extremely close to my in-laws.

Here’s the problem: About two years ago, my in-laws and extended inlaws decided that I was “too young to be alone.” Amy, they have started showing up with random “thirsty” men from work, church, the grocery store, you name it!

I’m at peace being by myself. I don’t need money. I love to work in my garden and play with my two cats, while waiting for grandbabies.

I simply don’t want the stress/drama of another relationship.

The holidays are coming, and I have a feeling I will be presented with a string of unwanted random men, either wanting a hook-up, or a traditional (per their faith) subservient wife.

How do I tell everyone to leave me alone, without destroying the deep bond I share with these family members?

— Confused

DEAR CONFUSED » If you don’t want to be surprised by a poorly curated selection of randos this holiday season, you should contact all of your in-laws and say, “I love you and appreciate your efforts to see me with another partner, but I’m happy now, and I intend to stay single. Please don’t introduce me to anymore men. It’s awkward for me, and it’s not fair to them, because I’m just not interested.”

I can’t resist the temptation to add that, like you, I was once a very happy and solitary 48-year-old woman, definitely not looking for a relationship, when I met the love of my life (NOT through a family introduction, I might add). My life changed radically from that day on, and while I love my crowded life, I often look back on those alone-years wistfully.

My point is this: Keep being you. Continue to advocate for your right to live the life you want to live, but I hope you will also remain open to the possibilities.

DEAR AMY » I have a friendship of more than 40 years with a delightful woman. We see each other about once a month, often at dinner in a restaurant with mutual friends. About six months ago, “Sandra” announced to us that she had just discovered that she is allergic/intolerant to gluten. This has become a focus of her life and often dominates the conversation.

Since that time, every trip to a restaurant includes a very (VERY) long discussion with our waitperson and/ or chef regarding each item on the menu and whether it fits into her gluten-free diet. Then the bread basket comes, and Sandra dives in because “it’s just too good to pass up.”

Several of us, outside of Sandra’s presence, have commented that not only is the gluten conversation tiresome, but also embarrassing when held in a busy restaurant. Additionally, most people are aware that those who are truly gluten intolerant become very ill when they eat bread, and avoid doing so at all cost. We’d love to talk this out with Sandra, but are afraid she’ll become defensive and angry, although this is not her usual reaction to thoughtful criticism. Any advice?

— Like Oprah, I Love Bread

DEAR LOVE BREAD » You say that “Sandra” usually reacts well to thoughtful criticism. So — offer some thoughtful feedback.

Say to her, “Sandra, I hope your health has stabilized since being on this new diet, but do you realize how single-minded you have become? When we get together, we all spend about half of our time talking about gluten. It would be great to catch up about other things, too.” I wouldn’t call her out on her bread noshing. This is an almost too obvious violation of her gluten-free diet.

Your group might get out of this rut by planning an outing that doesn’t revolve around restaurant dining. A hike, a bike ride or a session painting pottery might set you on a new track.

DEAR AMY » I’d like your opinion. I’m a 61-year-old (white) woman. I’m friendly and outgoing.

I enjoy meeting new people and like striking up conversations

with strangers. But in this day and age, with people being so quick to take offense, I worry about saying the wrong thing.

Case in point: I had lunch in a lovely upscale restaurant. The waiter had an accent I couldn’t place. I wanted to ask him where he was from, but that question could be misunderstood. Would he think I was questioning his legal status (which was not the case at all, I was just interested)?

Should I ask the question and take the chance of offending someone? Or don’t ask and maybe miss a chance to have an interesting conversation?

Political correctness has me paralyzed. Life is confusing these days.

— Wondering

DEAR WONDERING » You might signal your interest in someone by saying (for instance), “Wow — you have a beautiful accent.” If the person volunteers more than a simple “Thank you,” you might take that as an opening for a brief conversation. It is not always appropriate for servers to engage in personal chit chat with patrons, so follow the other person’s lead.

In terms of “political correctness,” I don’t think that people have necessarily become “quick to take offense,” but more that some (previously silent) people have found their voice. So, for instance, back in the day, someone admiring an accent might have asked, “What ARE you?” (meaning, “What is your ethnicity?”). Now, that same person could say, “I like your accent. Where did you spend your childhood?”

As the parent of two people of different races (from my own), I assure you that people don’t walk around looking to be offended, but offense sometimes comes from surprising corners.

If political correctness makes you hesitate before speaking, that’s probably a good thing, but I hope it doesn’t paralyze and discourage you from trying to connect with people.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@tribpub. com.