The Morning Journal (Lorain, OH)
Husband loves wife, but is ‘in love’ with another
My husband had an affair with another woman for more than six years. We’ve been married more than 25 years and I’m sad to say that we haven’t had sex for almost 20 years.
He says this other woman is the love of his life and he will never not love her. He’s also said that he loves me but is not “in love” with me. Amy, what does that mean?
After he said this to me, I told our adult children. They told him that if he leaves me, they will have no contact with him.
I’m miserable. I feel he’s only here because of what the kids said.
What should I do?
— Miserable DEAR MISERABLE
» When your husband said that he loves you but is not “in love” with you, he meant that he loves you as a family member, but does not feel a romantic and passionate attachment to you.
Regardless of his feelings, YOU may not want to remain in a marriage with someone who claims to be passionately in love with someone else. You have a choice to make.
When your adult children promise to sever their own relationship with their father if he leaves the marriage, they are putting themselves in charge of your marriage. They might be reacting from shock, or because they sense that this is the best way to show support toward you. But your marriage can’t continue if others are placed in the middle of it. This includes the “other woman,” of course, but also your children.
You and your husband might be able to ignite the flame of a loving marriage from these lumps of coal, but it would take a lot of work and commitment from both of you.
If there is a lack of will or commitment from either side, you should focus on separating peacefully and lovingly, without your children dictating the terms.
DEAR AMY » I was very disappointed in your answer to “Helpless,” who said his wife of 16 years was having severe mood swings.
You should have mentioned that she could be having perimenopause — the precursor to menopause. You did suggest that she see a doctor, but many doctors don’t know about this. — Disappointed Reader
DEAR DISAPPOINTED » I try not to offer medical diagnoses. But yes, if your physician doesn’t know about perimenopause, then it’s definitely time to find a new one.