Musician still suffers from long-ago rejection

DEAR AMY » Many years ago, I started a musical group with two members of my extended family. We were good! One day out of the blue, “Keith” said, “I don’t want to do this anymore,” and quit. This broke my heart.

A short while later, I found out that he had joined another band and had taken our one remaining band member with him; this new group recorded a number of albums, toured part of the world and had critical success.

Approximately 20 years later, I get a letter from Keith, saying he wanted forgiveness for hurting me. I wrote back that it was not a big deal. In retrospect, that was the kind of response that I felt I should give, but it was certainly not how I felt. I was not honest with him or with myself.

In the years since, I only feel more anger about this. I was tossed aside. They could have done any number of things to ease the separation (cover a song, invite me to be a guest on an album, etc.), but they didn’t.

What should I do? Should I speak my feelings after all this time? Another question that I have asked myself: What should I do with my collection of instruments? Their value has greatly appreciated over the years.

I want to be generous, but I do not know if I am that noble — or forgiving — after all that has happened. — The Old Guy

DEAR OLD GUY » “It’s no big deal” is very different from, “I accept your apology and forgive you.”

When “Keith” wrote to you after 20 years asking for forgiveness, he was basically telling you that this episode was a big deal in HIS life and that he carried 20 years’ worth of regret about it. “It’s no big deal” is really you denying your own feelings — and his. “It’s no big deal” is really a putdown — to both of you.

This long-ago rejection should not have prevented you from playing music with other people — then or now.

Perhaps you’re still angry about this because you’re mad at yourself for letting this stop you, musically. But you literally have nothing to lose — and much to gain — if you communicated with Keith now. Ideally you would say honestly that this did hurt you and that you’ve been ruminating about it for years. I hope you would also gain some perspective and choose to see this as a youthful mistake — we all make them.

Pick up those instruments. Start a geezer band in your garage.

DEAR AMY » I have been married for 10 years. About two years ago I had an emotional affair with a coworker. It was never physical. The affair ended when I realized I wanted to stay with my family.

My husband and I have three kids and I didn’t want them to have divorced parents the way I did.

I still feel as if I am not “in love” with my husband. Sometimes I just feel so conflicted because I want an intact family unit, but I just don’t have this fire or passion for my husband, regardless of what I do to try and help the marriage out. The thing is I am so scared to jump either way because he’s a great man and father. I don’t want to do to my kids what my parents did to me.

Our home is actually happy and peaceful. I just feel as if we are only “friends.” What can I do? — Worried

DEAR WORRIED » I respect the groundbreaking research of John Gottman, who has studied married couples for decades. In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” (2015, Harmony), he and coauthor Nan Silver outline practices that successfully married people undertake to keep their marriages strong. Your fondness and respect for your husband gets you part-way there.

Understand that many parents of three young children stop communicating meaningfully. You don’t mention your husband’s fire or passion, relative to yours, but you two can recover through a deliberate practice of connection. Read Gottman’s book together as the first step of deepening your intimacy.

DEAR AMY » I had been married for just nine months when my in-laws visited us. My husband and I had been living in one of their homes in London.

My husband and I had been arguing a lot and he told his parents about our problems. He said he was overwhelmed. My in-laws then insisted that I leave and visit my parents so that we could have some space and re-evaluate our marriage. During the next two months we did just that. We spoke every day. We discussed our problems in depth and were both more open to hearing criticism. We apologized for the past.

We agreed that I should return to London, but then his parents showed up in London again. He stopped speaking to me after their arrival and then asked me not to come back after all. Clearly, this was all because of his parents’ influence.

My question is, should I go to London anyway, or should I accept it is over between us because of their meddling? He refuses to speak to me now and I don’t know if I should keep fighting for our relationship or just accept and move on.

— Meddled with by inlaws DEAR MEDDLED WITH » I love London and would never advocate not going there, but don’t you want a husband who is going to fight for you and work on your relationship when you’re both in the same city?

Your in-laws seem hellbent on babying their son and breaking up your marriage. However, we can’t blame it all on them: your husband is the one who let his parents send you away, and now he won’t talk to you. He is making a choice, and he is choosing them. You should “keep calm and carry on.”

If, despite all of this you do decide to go through with your trip, you will have to take responsibility for what happens next.