Tenancy causes relationship tension

DEAR AMY » My boyfriend “Wally” and I bought our first home together 10 months ago. Three months ago, his friend “Bart” moved into our guest room.

Three weeks later he had furniture delivered. More is in the basement. Bart is self-employed (he buys and trades stocks) but has been traveling overseas off and on. When I broach the subject of finding other housing, he tells me that he doesn’t want to rent (even though he rents from us for $200 a month). He says he’d rather buy a house.

The uncertainty surrounding the length and terms of his stay has caused tension in my relationship with my boyfriend, and more than a few fights. We have had ongoing issues, but before Bart arrived, our relationship was in a good place, although communication is clearly still something we need to work on.

All I want is a rough timeline and clear expectations. After more than a year of living in my boyfriend’s parents’ infested and cluttered basement, I want our home back. I want Bart to re-evaluate his own expectations, find his own apartment and start building his life, so we can focus on building ours.

I’m not sure I will get Wally 100 percent onboard with having this conversation with Bart. I have asked him to, but he said he doesn’t want to ask him too many questions because he believes it is none of our business.

I would like to casually start the conversation with both of them in the room so that both of us can hear what Bart’s thoughts are concerning his future.

I know what I WANT to say, but HOW do I say it without coming off like I’m kicking him out?

— Crowded DEAR CROWDED » You coown this house. You have an equal right to express how the house is run, and who lives there. I suggest you firmly locate your backbone and freely share your reasonable concern with both men. Because you have allowed this man to live in your home as a tenant, it might be more difficult to get him to leave than you realize.

Most importantly, you are in a relationship where you don’t think you have an equal voice. You seem to have agreed to this tenancy beforehand, and either you were too passive to express your doubts at the time, or the reality of this has given you second thoughts.

Don’t ask permission to express yourself. Tell your boyfriend that as a co-owner of this property, you’d like to make this casual arrangement “official,” including an end date. Call a “house meeting,” present a legal shortterm lease with a definite expiration, ask “Bart” to sign it and then hold him to it. Bart’s future plans are his own business, just as his tenancy in your home is your business.

DEAR AMY » I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years. We have been living together for three years.

Lately, I feel I’m wasting my time with this relationship.

His family always comes first, and I can’t take it anymore. I’ve talked to him about it, many times, and he always says that things will change soon — but they don’t.

I don’t know how to approach the situation. This is a major block in our relationship. We have talked about the future, but it doesn’t look bright to me. Can you please give me some help?

— Almost Done

DEAR ALMOST DONE » You and your guy have been together for several years. You don’t give details about his family priorities, but in a healthy relationship, partners put themselves at the center of their family life. His family — and yours — should accept some realignment.

You have described this as a major problem in your relationship, and despite talking about it he either isn’t able — or doesn’t want — to change.

You already know everything you need to know. If this isn’t the relationship you want to be in, you should consider leaving it.

DEAR AMY » A friend asked me to help her plan a menu for a housewarming open house. I’m a foodie, so this is no problem.

About 15 folks are invited, including some on politically opposite poles. These people are very vocal opposites. My friend has now put me in charge of keeping the peace, which is not my forte.

Since this is a relatively small group, I can’t just nudge opposing parties into discretely separate areas, nor can I oversee the food while babysitting highly opinionated adults.

I would like to nip this in the bud. What do you think of putting the following in a lovely frame on an easel at the front door: “Thank you for joining the festivities tonight. All opinions are respected, but please, leave politics at the door for the evening. Welcome!”

If things do get out of hand, I could remind them that no one will be convinced to change their minds in a single evening. It would also be very tempting to slip out through the garage and let my friend deal with the fallout.

I respect your approach to life. How should I handle this, Amy? — Foodie, not Referee

DEAR FOODIE » Despite what I do for a living, I don’t like to tell people how to behave, in advance of their behaving. I deal, mainly, with consequences — and with trying to gently influence people (as well as rein in my own behavior). Mainly, I spend a lot of time pointing out the obvious.

For instance: Your prospective sign says that “all opinions are respected,” and yet what you really seem to want to say is that NO opinions are respected. Do you want to be that finger-wagging person who tells people to shut up, as they are coming in the door? This is the opposite of hospitality.

Your friend has a lot of nerve in expecting this of you — and yet no nerve in terms of trusting that people will behave well during a social occasion in her own home.

If I were you, I’d stick with the casseroles. If your friend can’t handle the tension of hosting friends in her own home, then perhaps she is not ready to open her home to others.