Family wedding could revive family feud

DEAR AMY » My 24-year-old nephew, “Harley,” is marrying his longtime girlfriend in September. I don’t have children, but if I could pick one for me, it would be him.

I have been estranged from both of his parents for many years. His mother is my sister, and she’s divorced from his father. I haven’t talked to my sister in over five years. I did stay in touch with his dad until several years ago, when I made the mistake of calling him out on some bad parenting. He got so irate at me that he “released me” from his life and made it clear that I was never to contact him again.

Even though both rifts are in full force, I would still attend his wedding if it was in a neutral location. However, I just found out that Harley and his fiancee will marry in his dad’s backyard.

Harley is aware that his mom and I don’t speak, but I don’t think he knows about my rift with his dad. I’m pretty sure his dad would not want me to come to his home, even for the wedding day.

Should I tell Harley I can’t attend because of the situation with his dad? (I don’t want to put any strain on him.)

Or should I say nothing, go to the wedding and stay out of both parents’ way, hoping that I don’t get thrown out by the dad?!

— Worried

DEAR WORRIED » It doesn’t seem to have occurred to you that this provides an opportunity for you to try to mend these family rifts. You don’t say why you aren’t speaking to your sister, but the rift with your nephew’s father was your own fault (as you admit). Have you ever apologized or tried to mend fences?

You should at the very least contact “Harley’s” father, apologize for your behavior and say that with the passage of time, you hope that he has forgiven you. Note that you are honored to have been asked to the wedding and that you take this as an opportunity to be a supportive family member.

Yes, you should attend, and yes, you should behave yourself. This calls for you to be low-key and cordial to everyone.

DEAR AMY » Recently, I attended an HD Performance of the Metropolitan Opera at my local theater. There was a five-minute change of sets between acts.

The camera showed maintenance people changing the scenery. The lights in the movie theater were still dimmed and I took out my iPhone to check the time. A man sitting two seats down harshly yelled, “Will you turn that phone off?!”

Others in the theater were checking their phones, as this was simply a set change (but not intermission).

Amy, I wasn’t sitting in the orchestra pit at the opera house. The performance had stopped and I was in a movie theater.

What is the protocol about taking a split-second glance at one’s phone in this situation?

— Not Singing in Middletown, RI

DEAR NOT SINGING » Your neighbor’s reaction seems ... operatic. All the same, by your own admission, this was not an “intermission,” but a set change. (One thing I really enjoy about viewing these opera simulcasts is the enjoyment of watching how the stage hands — not “maintenance people” — wrangle the enormous sets. It’s a fascinating backstage glimpse of how large productions work and can enhance your enjoyment of the opera, itself.)

These days, a glance at your phone is the same as glancing at your watch. However, in a darkened theater, your phone’s glow will definitely distract others. And unfortunately, many glancing time checks turn into text-checks, voicemail checks, email checks and quick Facetime sessions with the grandkids. Checking the time should be fine — but not performing other functions.

Also understand that opera lovers aren’t like moviegoers; they pay a premium on a special day to view an art form they love. When asking you to put your phone away, the gentleman should have gone sotto voce.

DEAR AMY » My son’s ex-wife remarried and now has two stepchildren, along with her daughter (with my son).

I love my granddaughter dearly and love sending her gifts. My former daughterin-law has made it clear to all that the two stepchildren must be treated equally to her daughter — by everyone.

In most instances I agree, however, I do not agree that I should have to buy gifts for all of these children. I did this for the past year and had to cut way back on my budget for gifts for grandchildren.

I have not met my former daughter-in-law’s new husband or his children. We live across the country from each other.

I feel as though I should not have to buy for all, and I want to only spoil my grandchild. Am I wrong? — Upset Grandmother DEAR GRANDMOTHER » When you report wanting to “spoil” only your grandchild, I want you to reflect on your own choice of words. One of your toughest jobs as a grandmother is to find ways to enfold your granddaughter’s siblings into your world. If you refuse to do this, then yes, this will have the effect of “spoiling” her, in unintended ways — because you will be putting her in a very tough spot.

Some of your contact with your granddaughter will be through her relationship to your son (her father). If you want to send gifts exclusively to her, then perhaps they should be sent to your son so he can share them with her during his visitations. You should also encourage him to include you in vacations and trips that he shares with her.

One way to stay connected to your granddaughter is to send her cards and letters, and to Skype with her, if possible. Your attitude should be open and loving — not exclusive. And yes, you should do your best to try to connect with these other children. Obviously, this will be challenging until you meet them.

Your former daughter-inlaw is being unreasonable. In her eagerness to include her stepchildren as full family members (which they are), she seems to be framing it as a punishment — or you are interpreting it that way.

Amy Dickinson