Hopeful father tries to undo years of exclusion

DEAR AMY » I have a son, “Brendan,” but I didn’t meet him until just before his ninth birthday. His mother raised him as if I never existed. He was told another man was his father.

Once we met and he began visiting me regularly, I realized that she had basically “flipped the script,” and that all of her problems, and all of the bad things she had done in her life were assigned to me: I was the abuser. I was the person who slept around. I was the bad student.

My best qualities were assigned to her. This narrative is diabolical.

It hurt me to hear my son tell me these things, but I followed the advice I read about not speaking negatively about her in front of him.

Once he turned 15 and more fabrications were invented, he questioned me, and I finally told him the truth. During that time, I moved several states away. He visited me in the summer.

He stopped visiting at 16. He does not acknowledge his baby brother or sister. He calls them “your children.” His mother will not acknowledge me or my children to him.

He is graduating from high school, and I will not be invited. We hardly ever talk anymore on the phone.

I’m just not sure what to do at this point. Should I just wait for him to figure out who is the liar? — Devastated Dad

DEAR DEVASTATED » In addition to his mother’s gas lighting, your family system will have affected your son’s attitude toward you.

Your son is being raised by a toxic liar. He had a few years of closeness with you, and then you moved and now you have other people in your life. Any teenager would have questions about where he fit in your life, and this teenager has extreme challenges.

One way for you to be a great father would be for you to look at things through his eyes, and understand that if he is aligned with his mother, then he really has no choice but to reject you. He lives in a household where rejecting you is required.

Send your son a letter and a gift for his graduation. Basically, be the openhearted, proud and loving dad you want him to have. Your goal should be to stay in his life until he matures and can start to make some decisions on his own.

Amy Dickinson